If not now, then when?

24 Sep

That is how I’m feeling about losing weight, feeling healthy, NOT always feeling stuffed, and being able to walk a few flights of stairs without being too ‘huffy/puffy.’ 

And yet, bigger than my desire for these things is my fear of failing.

I felt pretty good (and mentally ready) getting up this past Monday morning at 6:30 with Tom and going to the gym – then thinking about my eating plan for the day/week.  I’m really excited about not having indigestion.  = )

There is also a part of me that gets a little panicky to think about not feeling ‘full’ which for much of my adult life has been defined by feeling like I have eaten too much.  I don’t know where this fear comes from. 

For a long time, I think maybe it was the only thing I did feel.  Maybe, too, it’s easier for me to have a physical stuffed feeling rather than deal with unpleasant emotions.  This will definitely be a challenge for me, and I’m hoping my therapy will help in that regard.

Another potential obstacle is that I can’t yet imagine myself 50 pounds lighter.  I have been fat for so long now, I can’t picture what it will look OR feel like.  Even when I was a teenager and NOT fat, I thought I was.  So, my perception on this, I’m now guessing has never been realistic. 

This could be a tough part of my journey.  But, I will attempt to be as honest as possible as I deal with it, both for my own well-being, and in the hope that maybe someone will relate to it and, at least, feel less alone in their own struggle.


6 Responses to “If not now, then when?”

  1. Franign September 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

    Congrats on your new you journey!! I will be following & would even love to have you join me on some “extra workouts” at my home gym if you are interested!! I would love to see some of your recipes, details on daily workouts & photos. 50 is a great goal and title but honestly it’s not the number but how you feel. When you feel comfortable climbing that flight of stairs and have less back or knee pain upon waking up (I have this being just a few pounds overweight for my height) in the morning are great goals for weight
    loss. So don’t get discouraged if 50 by 50 turns out to be 45 by 50 if you feel great physically & mentally. Just as if it takes you 55 by 50 to get that feeling then push on!!! I will be here to support your goals in any way I can. 😉 Go Kendall!!

    • lynnleep September 26, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

      Thanks Fran! I think I will take you up on those extra workouts some time soon. I’m headed to Mammoth CA in about 10 days…maybe after I get back. I totally agree with you about being okay if it’s not quite 50 by 50…anything will be great. And, I’m off to a 5 lb loss start for the 1st week.

  2. Shelly September 25, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    You go Kendall…I’m cheering for you!

    • April Severson September 25, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

      Yay Darling Kendall! I completely support an admire you. What a great beginning to the best part of your life! XXXA

  3. Jana September 26, 2011 at 12:18 am #

    Kendall — you can do it! It is all about choices, and that’s sometimes the tough part. We have complete control over what goes in our mouth and whether we exercise… but what we don’t have control over is how much and when the weight scale goes down. But the making good choices will definitely put you on the losing path. Hang in there and keep moving forward — you CAN do it!!

  4. Jennifer September 26, 2011 at 12:46 am #

    Kendall – what an awesome goal! You can do it!!

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