Archive | October, 2011

Reward secured…

31 Oct

10 LB Reward

I wish you could have seen my lunch bowl today…

30 Oct

my post-lunch bowl, at Chipotle, that is.  We no longer order their yummy, salty, limey, chips, and for a long time now Tom and I have shared an order of guacamole between our two bowls.  BUT, here’s the shocker…

I left behind some food in my bowl because {gasp} I was starting to feel full!  Tom even looked at me like perhaps I’d been kidnapped and another being had inhabited my body.  “I know,” I said to him, “strange, huh?”  But, I truly was starting to feel like I’d eaten plenty, and like I didn’t want that last layer of beans, lettuce, rice, etc. on the bottom of my bowl.

It felt good, and it didn’t feel like a struggle – something I had to make myself do.

I wish I could convey how unusual this is for me.  I’ve always marveled at people who eat a little bit of their food and decide they just don’t want anymore, and push it away.  It rivals my disbelief that someone could actually bury their face in a cat and NOT come up sneezing, wheezing and scratching their eyes.  (Yes, I AM allergic…) 

I guess what it made me feel was kind of ‘normal.’  And that is a word I haven’t used lightly in the past – especially to describe myself and anything having to do with my eating/compulsion.   It feels like a victory…at least for today.  And, that’s really all we can deal with at one time, right?  Today…


It’s official…

28 Oct

I’ve lost 10.5 pounds!  Soooooooooo excited…I knew my clothes had been feeling looser.

Guess I’ll be shopping for new earrings this weekend on my day trip to Hood River with Jeanine.

I’m going to celebrate by making my own kale chips for lunch today…(okay, I was going to do that anyways).  But, I AM craving something salty-crunchy, so kale chips, it is.

I think at the 20 lb mark, it will be time for a new handbag.  = ‘ }


I’ve decided I deserve a reward…

27 Oct

when I hit the 10 pound mark.  I had a hard time trying to decide what it should be…massage, nah, I might get that anyways at some point for my achin’ back…a pedicure, nah, I might get that anyways because, well, I REALLY need one.

So, I’ve decided on some earrings!  Not diamonds or rubies or anything that extravagant.  Just something cute.  It will be fun to go shopping for something I really don’t need, but have EARNED!


You know I hate to brag, but…

25 Oct

my breakfast this morning is pretty tasty!  It’s a whole grain tortilla, warmed in a dry pan.  Then I put a little non-fat greek yogurt and  natural peanut butter down the middle.  Drizzled a little honey over that and added a couple of sliced up figs and part of a banana….then, roll it up like a burrito…YUM!


Seattle Weekend – Refocus

25 Oct

Well, we definitely ate (and drank) like kings on vacation — a cookie a day, wine every night, a couple of martinis thrown in for fun.  BUT, we also walked nearly everywhere, logging over 4 miles on Saturday, plus a trip to the hotel gym.  The result was a 3 pound weight gain for me.  Oh, dear.  For some reason I wasn’t that freaked out by it.  Maybe it is because I’m feeling good about getting back into the new lifestyle groove (not that I even really feel like I totally left it behind). 

There were some thoughtful choices over the weekend as well – a shared sandwich, with the bread tossed out, cold smoked salmon for lunch instead of buttery clam chowder with truffle oil.  Oh, and when we stopped at Subway for lunch on the drive home, I turned down chips!  Me!  Didn’t even really want them.  How’s about that!?  The best part, I think, was actually choosing what I wanted.  If it was going to be a foodie weekend, then I wanted to think about what I really wanted to eat…and I did.  As promised, I also managed to leave some food on my plate a few times during the trip.  (And, I didn’t get any Beecher’s mac n’ cheese….so good!)

Today, I really felt ready to refocus…I went to an amped-up Zumba class, had oatmeal for breakfast with figs and almonds, a salmon salad for lunch, and then (insert sound effect of screeching breaks) D.E.T.O.U.R…I had to go to Lloyd Center today for a doctor’s appointment, and I happened to come in the entrance where Joe Brown’s Caramel Corn was.  OHHHH EMMMM GEEEE!  I hadn’t thought about that place since my childhood.  Their cheese popcorn is the best.  Yep, it’s true, after my appointment, I bought myself a small box, and unfortunately, consumed the whole thing on the drive home.  Admittedly, I ate it like I’d been in a POW camp for the last 3 years.  It wasn’t pretty.

Why didn’t I call someone before the popcorn purchase?  It didn’t occur to me.  Honestly – I need to find a way to have a moment to THINK before I ‘do.’  I don’t seem to have that built in yet.  But, I need something…to count to ten, or have some other kind of alarm system inside of me that will allow me to halt before I react.  That HAS to come even before I can talk myself into texting or calling someone.  I didn’t realize I need a PRE-halt, halt. 

But, now I refocus.  And, I TRULY am feeling committed to a healthy week of meals and exercise.  (I can only think a week at a time.)  I’m cutting low on the carbs this week to see if I can lose most of those three pounds I regained.  We bought yummy, healthy groceries at Pike Market before we headed home yesterday.  So, I’ve got an arsenal of weapons in my favor…Brussels sprouts, persimmons, figs, Jazz apples – good stuff.  So, let’s hear it for getting back on the dance floor!

For this week, I’m committing to no more detour foods…


Just a quicky…

24 Oct

to report that I’m actually feeling very ready to resume my eating plan tomorrow after a weekend of drinking and eating.  There were some good choices made by me, however, there were definitely foods consumed that shouldn’t be on your everyday (or even every week) eating list…let’s just say that the lesser of the evils certainly applied to some of my dining choices.

I’m a little relieved that we are done traveling now for awhile.  And, pleased that I’m in a much better frame of mind than after my last trip.

Seattle weekend details to come…

What a difference an ‘LB’ makes…

17 Oct

I was in the emotional dumper last week.  Thursday all I wanted to do was sleep and ignore everything – especially the fact that I’m dieting.  Yes, I know, this isn’t a diet – it’s a lifestyle change.  BUT, at times (when I can’t /choose not to binge), it feels like a diet.

You know what I was up against?  The realization that this is going to be hard.  I know, this may sound incredibly obvious – a big ‘DUH’ to some of you out there.   But, I guess I had to come down out of the clouds – return from the honeymoon of my new lifestyle changes to get it.  I had to really FEEL that it was hard.

In the past, I think I’ve basically given up when things get tough.  It’s easier than dealing with it, right?  I believe the first line of M. Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less Traveled” is “Life is difficult.”  He goes on to say, “Once we know that life is difficult- once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult.”

I’m thinking I need to come to this kind of acceptance about giving up certain things that I used to find as a comfort – and dealing with the feelings that made me want to turn to food in the first place.  So, okay, this IS going to be difficult – now what?  I’m also hoping, though, that sometimes it won’t be difficult.   As I get more used to the changes, maybe some will seem like second nature.  These are things I can’t know now.

My therapist and I also came up with a list of things to do when the journey gets difficult.  Some of these include: blog; text someone (by the way I’m looking for a few volunteers for this!); leave the house for – a walk, trip to the library, coffee.  I also decided that when I go out to eat, it would be good to develop a new habit of leaving a little something behind on the plate – just to help create that mentality of being satisfied with less – to help relieve the desperation that sometimes comes with eating.  Of course, I went out to eat the very next night and completely forgot about this idea.  I’ll be eating out in Seattle, however, and I’m going to put it into practice.

A big goal for me is going to be eating lunch at the table or counter, and not in front of the TV.  Wanting to eat lots and watching TV seem to go hand-in-hand for me.  I don’t know why this goal feels so daunting, but it does.  So, for this week, I’m committing to one lunch without the TV on.  I’m pretty sure I can do that.

As I wrap up the first month of my plan (I just realized it’s already been a month!), and enter into the second, I’m pleased to discover that I’ve lost another pound!  This makes me very happy, as I figured with my vacation and some wishy-washy food recording, I wasn’t sure where I’d sit on the scale.  I was so excited to see that the numbers were still going down.  It’s given me some new motivation as I have now lost a total of nine pounds!

Post Vacation Report Blues

13 Oct

What was I thinking?  I miss eating whatever I want.  I miss my afternoon Cheeto parties on the couch, watching Drop Dead Diva or Body of Proof or What Not to Wear.  I also miss doing these things without accountability.  But, that isn’t what I agreed to, is it?

Vacation was HARD!  It started in the Oakland airport when my sister and I were waiting (and waiting) for our (delayed) connection to Los Angeles.  I brought bagel thin turkey sandwiches and apples for dinner.  But, then I saw the people sitting at Chili’s eating WHATEVER they wanted.  Why can’t *I* eat whatever *I* want?  (As if I want to eat a Chili’s, well, anything really.)

I definitely had that ‘I’m on vacation, so anything goes’ desire – but also wanted to curb it.  (The problem is I was kind of ALWAYS eating like I was on vacation.)  Thursday started out okay, with an Egg McMuffin – no butter, no meat, and an apple.  Lunch was at our cabin with snack-y stuff, which included healthy items – celery, carrots, laughing cow cheese, fruit – but also included blue cheese dip, sesame sticks, crackers, etc.  My food addict self is not good at sitting in front of an unlimited food supply.  I don’t know how to stop…and as lame as it sounds, I feel like there is a force greater than myself reaching for the food.   That must be the addiction.

I will not go into a detailed list of everything I ate, every day.  But, we went out for happy hour one night, and that was pretty crazy…nachos, wings, fish tacos, etc.  I, of course, obsessed about everything I ate, and was WAY too full afterwards – very familiar feelings.  I kind of loved the eating part, but beat myself up afterwards.  Not a good combo. 

These things didn’t really surprise me.  What DID surprise me was how down I felt coming back home.  Realizing I had to report about the trip, and feeling kind of like a failure.  I felt emotionally exhausted, which prompted me to ask myself, “Why did I think this was going to be a good idea?”  Of course, the answers are obvious – better health, better self-esteem, better body comfort. 

But, I admit, I’m still feeling blue.  Part of it is thinking I’m always going to be this crazy when it comes to food.  Or, always this ‘weak’ when I’m on vacation.  Part of it is missing my binge foods…craving the afternoons on the couch watching a good TV show, and eating big salty crunchies.  It’s kind of like missing the boyfriend who used to mistreat you.  But, why?  There are definitely things to sort out.

Tom and I are headed to Seattle next weekend to see Journey and Foreigner, and I’m hoping things will be a bit better, as I won’t be surrounded by snacks.  But, dinners out will still be a challenge – wine and good food.  I don’t really have the chutzpah to think about that yet. 

I guess overall, I would give myself a C- for the trip…resisting some things, and sticking to some of the healthy food we brought. 

I will, at least, end on a positive note.  I arrived home Tuesday night, and Wednesday morning, I was back at the gym with Tom at 6:45 in the morning.  I’ve at least got something that feels worthy of a pat on the back…

I’m throwing a major internal tantrum right now…

5 Oct

I don’t know if it is set off by packing and getting ready for a trip.  (I LOVE to travel, I HATE to pack.)  Added to this, it’s house cleaning day – I know, it’s childish, but I HATE chores.

There are certain things that come up on the ‘to do’ list that I irrationally imagine are going to take F O R E V E R, which I think sends me into a tailspin.  I think, “How am I going to get it all done?”  Well, in reality, there is plenty of time.  But, I can feel myself stomping my little toddler feet and shouting, “But I don’t WANT to do it!”  I notice it’s not “I’m not GONNA do it,” and I think that is a part of this turmoil.  Because along with my inner tantrum-thrower is also the ‘good girl’ who always does everything she is supposed to do.  It’s not like I can just NOT pack (well, I guess I COULD, but it’s going to be awfully cold in Mammoth, CA this week).

I belive this is what led to me dreaming about a BIG ASS bowl of popcorn with butter and parmasean cheese.  I thought about it all afternoon.  I didn’t have the popcorn – instead I had a few more gluten free crackers and cheese than was in a normal serving.  And, I think I’m kinda mad that I didn’t get the popcorn to relieve the tantrum.  (Did this lead to ANOTHER tantrum?)

And, I’m still unsettled and kind of pissed that I have to clean the bathrooms and make a packing list so I don’t go off and forget something important.

In the scheme of the world, this seems like such a silly thing to be thinking about and feeling – but I can’t help it.  That’s what is going on inside of me.  Of course, if I WOULD have had the popcorn, I would have had to report that here, and, well, that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?  I know that helped.

I guess it’s time to take a deep breath, and get out the windex and toilet cleaner and face the inevitable.  I wonder if I could teach Tux to use a swiffer?