Post Vacation Report Blues

13 Oct

What was I thinking?  I miss eating whatever I want.  I miss my afternoon Cheeto parties on the couch, watching Drop Dead Diva or Body of Proof or What Not to Wear.  I also miss doing these things without accountability.  But, that isn’t what I agreed to, is it?

Vacation was HARD!  It started in the Oakland airport when my sister and I were waiting (and waiting) for our (delayed) connection to Los Angeles.  I brought bagel thin turkey sandwiches and apples for dinner.  But, then I saw the people sitting at Chili’s eating WHATEVER they wanted.  Why can’t *I* eat whatever *I* want?  (As if I want to eat a Chili’s, well, anything really.)

I definitely had that ‘I’m on vacation, so anything goes’ desire – but also wanted to curb it.  (The problem is I was kind of ALWAYS eating like I was on vacation.)  Thursday started out okay, with an Egg McMuffin – no butter, no meat, and an apple.  Lunch was at our cabin with snack-y stuff, which included healthy items – celery, carrots, laughing cow cheese, fruit – but also included blue cheese dip, sesame sticks, crackers, etc.  My food addict self is not good at sitting in front of an unlimited food supply.  I don’t know how to stop…and as lame as it sounds, I feel like there is a force greater than myself reaching for the food.   That must be the addiction.

I will not go into a detailed list of everything I ate, every day.  But, we went out for happy hour one night, and that was pretty crazy…nachos, wings, fish tacos, etc.  I, of course, obsessed about everything I ate, and was WAY too full afterwards – very familiar feelings.  I kind of loved the eating part, but beat myself up afterwards.  Not a good combo. 

These things didn’t really surprise me.  What DID surprise me was how down I felt coming back home.  Realizing I had to report about the trip, and feeling kind of like a failure.  I felt emotionally exhausted, which prompted me to ask myself, “Why did I think this was going to be a good idea?”  Of course, the answers are obvious – better health, better self-esteem, better body comfort. 

But, I admit, I’m still feeling blue.  Part of it is thinking I’m always going to be this crazy when it comes to food.  Or, always this ‘weak’ when I’m on vacation.  Part of it is missing my binge foods…craving the afternoons on the couch watching a good TV show, and eating big salty crunchies.  It’s kind of like missing the boyfriend who used to mistreat you.  But, why?  There are definitely things to sort out.

Tom and I are headed to Seattle next weekend to see Journey and Foreigner, and I’m hoping things will be a bit better, as I won’t be surrounded by snacks.  But, dinners out will still be a challenge – wine and good food.  I don’t really have the chutzpah to think about that yet. 

I guess overall, I would give myself a C- for the trip…resisting some things, and sticking to some of the healthy food we brought. 

I will, at least, end on a positive note.  I arrived home Tuesday night, and Wednesday morning, I was back at the gym with Tom at 6:45 in the morning.  I’ve at least got something that feels worthy of a pat on the back…

4 Responses to “Post Vacation Report Blues”

  1. LES October 13, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    ther will be times that you will slip.just ask me.but you can not dwell or keep beating your self up over it.these feelings only increase the chances of it continuing.that is where the emotional part takes least for long as you get back on the horse and keep going it will get easier.
    love ya

  2. Dee October 13, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    Just the fact that you keep posting your feelings on this blog means you still want to continue. You forced yourself to type and press submit. That’s success right there! Keep hanging in there…..

  3. Eva October 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm #

    Kendall, I know this feeling all too well. Just remember that what’s done is done and every day is a new day. Don’t beat yourself up – does not help anything. You are going to do it – I can feel it!

    Love you,


  4. Carol October 24, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    Hi Kendall,

    Don’t beat yourself up! Just try to eat better the next day. If I overeat in the evening, I drink a LOT of water (I feel like it helps me digest better) and try to go for a walk before going to bed. It’s hard to get out the door sometimes, but I always feel better after if I do it!

    Let me know if I am blabbing too many tips! 🙂


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