I’m getting tired of being accountable…

28 Nov

or perhaps it’s that I’m tired of posting things that feel like failures.  I think I’d be loving it if I were reporting weight loss every week, with no straying from the plan.  But, it’s not my reality.

I guess the shame is rearing it’s ugly head and I can’t hide it any longer.  I’ve gone public…spilled my guts and now I have to follow through.  I deserve to follow through and achieve my goal.

I realized today how easy it would be to fall right back into the old lifestyle.  In some ways I get that it seems easier somehow, but on the other hand, I’ve been eating good food on this journey.  Clearly, it has to do with more than what I’m putting in my mouth.  There’s a lot more there that is coming to the surface.  At this moment, I am unable to identify what ‘that’ is.

There seems to be some issue with caring for myself in a loving way, or treating myself the way I’d treat someone I cared for very much.  I’ve got to really believe I’m worth all of this change – that I’m worth the long haul of this journey.   I’ve been such a fan of instant gratification for a long time, so, this is a BIG change.

Or, is it being much more comfortable with what is familiar?  I certainly lived my life one way for a very long time.  I’m also feeling angry with myself for making commitments here that I didn’t keep.  Granted, I’ve kept way more than I haven’t.  But, I’m focused on the ‘didn’ts’ right now, and it feels pretty crappy.

I just knew that once I made a promise here and DIDN’T keep it, I’d feel like, ‘well, why would anyone (especially me) believe it when I made a new commitment?  I’ve clearly got some thinking to do surrounding these new feelings/realizations.

The last four days were not so great – Thanksgiving was pretty much caution to the wind, followed by food choices on Friday that were not the best.  Last night we hosted a dinner party, and the food was fairly healthy.  But, I’ve now had dessert 4 nights in a row.  Not good.

So, at the risk of feeling disgusted with myself for making another commitment, I’m going to say what my eating plan is for tomorrow.  I’d also like to make a short-term goal to lose 5 pounds over the next two weeks.  That could be a bit too high of a goal, but I’m aiming for it.  This means I need to weigh myself tomorrow to see if I’ve gained any more weight…sigh…

For now, here is my food plan for tomorrow…

Breakfast: yogurt, nuts, fruit and honey

Snack: (if needed) cashews and an apple

Lunch: turkey patty, brussels sprouts and fruit

Snack: celery with laughing cow cheese

Dinner: sandwich with carrots (or salad)  and fruit

I usually like to try and come up with some wonerful, pithy sign-off for these posts – but, tonight, I’m just not feeling it.  I hope tomorrow my outlook is better.

3 Responses to “I’m getting tired of being accountable…”

  1. Diane November 28, 2011 at 7:53 am #

    Hang in there! We’re with you!

  2. Susan Sopp November 28, 2011 at 4:31 pm #

    You can do this KENDI! I will pretty much BET that if you get in at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise 6 to 7 days of the week and stick fairly close to your eating plan you WILL lose 5 pounds SOON : ) XOXOXOXOXO

  3. moobabes November 28, 2011 at 8:40 pm #

    It is Hard! But you’re doing great. xom

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