Archive | December, 2011

Oh the holidays…

28 Dec

and how they bring up the food issues.  It starts on Christmas Eve (or day, depending on the year) with my mom’s clam dip.  We all LOVE it…revere it.  For my family, it’s like those $100-a-cup coffee beans that are only THAT good because they’ve passed through the intestines of an Indonesian Palm Civet.  We can’t get enough of that sh*t, and it’s partly because we only get it on Christmas. 

This kicks into play my old “it’ll be gone soon, so you better get all you can now before it’s too late” panicky feelings.  Then this year, there is the amazing ice cream sundae dessert I made (2 kinds – one Trader Joe’s peppermint Joe Joe, and a butter pecan.  It, too, will be gone soon, and there were a goodly amount of leftovers once the Christmas celebration was over.  SO, I want to have some every night because pretty soon, “I WON’T be able to have it anymore!” 

Why do these things seem so precious to me?  And, why do I feel the need to get as much as I can?  It seems to be the deprivation factor.  It’s like people who survived the depression, and now they consume as much as they can in case more hard times are just around the corner.

Things are starting to feel out of control, and I need some kind of life raft to get me back to shore.  It makes me realize that even during those times when I’m feeling strong and sure in these new habits of mine, and imagine I could eat lean, skinless chicken and roasted Brussels sprouts forever, that it would be SO easy to slip right back into my old ways.  They are right there, in my rearview mirror! 

It’s very frustrating that this isn’t a switch that I just flip once and that’s all it takes.  Nope – vigilance is key.  It would be SO easy to get into that habit of eating dessert every night and feeling a little too full when I go to bed.  It doesn’t feel good!!!!  But, it feels familiar and kind of numbing, and as weird as it sounds, comfortable in its discomfort.  It shows me, again and again and AGAIN, that as much as I want to feel ‘normal’ and like everyone else around food, I’m not!  It’s like an alcoholic who believes he can have just one drink and be fine.  And, that ain’t the way it works. 

I’m also having a hate/hate relationship with the gym right now – even a good book isn’t taking away the misery of the treadmill.  BUT, tomorrow Tom and I are going to the gym, AND we are going to toss out the rest of the ice cream dessert, AND we are going to eat lite and healthy food for the next several days to have the feeling of getting back on track.  Right now it feels like such a HUGE effort to go back to the way we’ve been eating the last few months.  It’s kind of like how I image packing for a weekend trip is going to take me, like, 3 hours, but it doesn’t!  It’s easier than I think.

So, back on track we shall go – tomorrow, not after the holiday break is over.  We ARE planning a Bacchus-like feast on January 2nd, so we have that in our near future.  BUT, in the meantime, we can try and kick that old holiday mentality of anything goes!  I may even need to post some daily food plans on the blog just to keep things out there and on the record.

Some positive steps and the aftermath…

22 Dec

well, after the big binge today, a friend suggested I drink at least 5 glasses of water and go work out. 

I had therapy at 2:00 (good timing – it had been on the books for 2 weeks), a haircut at 3:00…when I got home, I took a 20 minute nap and then headed to the gym.  It was kind of a painful treadmill session – with a stomach full of grease and fat, I felt at one point like I might throw up.  Thank goodness I didn’t.  My system hasn’t had this amount of this kind of gunk in it for a long time, and it’s really pissed off.  I managed to have a turkey patty and half an apple for dinner, but wasn’t really hungry.

I’ve taken tums twice, AND consumed some baking soda in water with a twist of lime to make me burrrrrrrrrrrp, but my tummy is still rebeling.  I’m so afraid I’m going to have some reflux tonight, but, I’ve made my bed and now I have to suffer the consequences.  I’m trying to find a way to capture this feeling so I will know in the future I don’t want to feel this way again.  I’m still working on that one.  I need to find a visual representation for how I feel so I can use it when I THINK eat that many chips again might be a good idea.

On another note, my red handbag arrived today and it was extremely anticlimatic because I didn’t feel that I deserved it after the binge.  It actually made me want to cry.  I took the box, tossed it in the guest room and closed the door.  I’m really hoping tomorrow I’ll feel better and can enjoy the purse and embrace the accomplishments it has taken for me to receive it.

Hoping for a much better day tomorrow.  And, hoping I can forgive myself for today’s misstep.  I need to learn that lesson, so here’s the perfect opportunity.

A crime of opportunity, desperation and sleep deprivation…

21 Dec

I’m VERY angry with myself right now, because I just polished off a large bag of Wavy Lays.  Oh, I’m angry because I ate all those empty calories.  But, more than that, I feel miserable…and I know I’ll be feeling it for a long time today.  What a dope.

I was VERY tired and stressed from work deadlines and some insomnia the last two nights.  And, I know being tired is a huge trigger for my compulsive eating.  I didn’t even try any tactics to stop myself.  Part of me wanted to do it, to ease my tiredness and stress.  It was a true junky moment, and I am beating myself up for it.  Unfortunately, it didn’t ease anything…I’ve ruined my own day.  I had a very brief thought of throwing it up for relief, but that is an avenue I don’t care to explore.  Not a big fan of chucking up.

So, I have to sit today with my physical and emotional pain for a poor choice made.  It sucks and feels like crap.  The only consolation I can find is that I used to do this on a very regular basis, and now, the majority of the time, I’m able to reason with myself to make better choices.

I need some salty crunchy Frito-Lays methadone treatment, which, I guess in this instance might be something like Pirate’s Booty, which I don’t want to need either.  Cold turkey…


Was December 9th really my last post?

19 Dec

Well…things just haven’t been that exciting around here.  I’m kind of cruising along in healthy lifestyle mode.  I seem to be in a bit of a holding pattern, however, and given that it is holiday time, it’s not that surprising.  In fact, Tom and I were talking the other night about having a goal of just not gaining any weight until the holidays are over.  I think it’s a good goal…

We’re even talking (not that seriously yet) about doing some kind of crazy cleanse after the first of the year.  But, I don’t know if I can do all the things that go along with it…it’s kind of a lot of work.  I also don’t know if I can live without dairy for 2 weeks, and I don’t know if Tom can live without IPA.

I’m holding on at a 19.5 pound weight loss (I REALLY want to just call it 20, but I’m trying to be all exact and everything).  I DID, however, order the purse.  (See picture below!)  In fact, Tom bought it for me!  It should arrive on the 21st!

In some ways, I feel kind of lazy in that it’s been 13 weeks and I’ve (only) lost 20ish lbs.   But, that’s the K-FKD radio station in my head talking. 

Weight loss is good, and keeping off is, too.  At least I think I’m going to know what it’s like to maintain, right?  By the end of the year, though, I’m going to be ready for some more serious results!  And, fortunately, I’m still going to have time to meet my goal.  As ‘they’ say, “it’s all good!”

Here’s the fabooo handbag!  Isn’t she a beaut!?



I need to plan better…

9 Dec

for Tuesday lunches!  Tuesday’s are busy-ish in the mornings with the gym, a quick stop at my folks to drop off Tux for a little visit while I’m reading at Greenwood School for SMART – then a trip to New Seasons Market for anything we need there, as it’s close to my reading location. 

By the time I get home it’s nearly 1:00ish.  This past Tuesday, I thought maybe I’d have some Thai, hmmm, nah…maybe I’ll see what New Seasons has in their deli counter, nah…(so far the stuff I’ve tasted doesn’t have much flavor), salad bar, nah.  Didn’t even have anything pre-made (like leftovers, etc.) at home. 

So, I ended up with chips!  It wasn’t super awful.  I mean, I ate more than one should eat in a sitting, but I didn’t polish off the bag.  I crushed what was left and put the wavy crumblets in the trash.  Fortunately, this time, I didn’t have that ‘slippery slope doom and gloom” feeling that sometimes comes when this happens.  It was a blip.

Wednesday, I was back to my kale and zucchini skillet with a little vinegar, cranberries and cashews over wheat berries and a sprinkling of feta.  It was delish. 

So, the lesson here is have something ready for Tuesday’s lunch!  Not so hard, really. 

On another note, I managed to eat lunch twice last week away from the TV.  It wasn’t so bad…

For now, I’ve got to let my poor little strained bicep tendon heal so I can go back to my core and strengthening work.  There’s still some I can do.  And, I guess during Zumba, I’ll have to do some one-armed clapping for awhile.  I can still get the old heart pumping, even if I can’t pump iron with my right arm for awhile!

Bring mama her (red) handbag…

2 Dec

Yes, that’s right…I’m 1/2 lb away from the red purse!  Woohooooooooooooooo!  I have no idea how there could be 6 pounds less of me today than there were on Monday, BUT I have weighed myself 3 days in a row to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. 

Maybe it’s the same principle as when your gas tank looks like you’ve got well over a 1/4 tank one day, and the next, the red light goes on even though you haven’t driven it???  Whatever it is, I’ll take it.

It IS strange, though, how I’m suspicious even of the scale, like maybe it’s just trying to make me feel better.  BUT, it’s that old doctor’s scale with the slidey parts on it that is supposed to be quite accurate.  Even the evil digital scale in the bathroom shows only one pould different.  So, I’m considering it official. 

I think I’ve got some shopping to do.  = )