Oh the holidays…

28 Dec

and how they bring up the food issues.  It starts on Christmas Eve (or day, depending on the year) with my mom’s clam dip.  We all LOVE it…revere it.  For my family, it’s like those $100-a-cup coffee beans that are only THAT good because they’ve passed through the intestines of an Indonesian Palm Civet.  We can’t get enough of that sh*t, and it’s partly because we only get it on Christmas. 

This kicks into play my old “it’ll be gone soon, so you better get all you can now before it’s too late” panicky feelings.  Then this year, there is the amazing ice cream sundae dessert I made (2 kinds – one Trader Joe’s peppermint Joe Joe, and a butter pecan.  It, too, will be gone soon, and there were a goodly amount of leftovers once the Christmas celebration was over.  SO, I want to have some every night because pretty soon, “I WON’T be able to have it anymore!” 

Why do these things seem so precious to me?  And, why do I feel the need to get as much as I can?  It seems to be the deprivation factor.  It’s like people who survived the depression, and now they consume as much as they can in case more hard times are just around the corner.

Things are starting to feel out of control, and I need some kind of life raft to get me back to shore.  It makes me realize that even during those times when I’m feeling strong and sure in these new habits of mine, and imagine I could eat lean, skinless chicken and roasted Brussels sprouts forever, that it would be SO easy to slip right back into my old ways.  They are right there, in my rearview mirror! 

It’s very frustrating that this isn’t a switch that I just flip once and that’s all it takes.  Nope – vigilance is key.  It would be SO easy to get into that habit of eating dessert every night and feeling a little too full when I go to bed.  It doesn’t feel good!!!!  But, it feels familiar and kind of numbing, and as weird as it sounds, comfortable in its discomfort.  It shows me, again and again and AGAIN, that as much as I want to feel ‘normal’ and like everyone else around food, I’m not!  It’s like an alcoholic who believes he can have just one drink and be fine.  And, that ain’t the way it works. 

I’m also having a hate/hate relationship with the gym right now – even a good book isn’t taking away the misery of the treadmill.  BUT, tomorrow Tom and I are going to the gym, AND we are going to toss out the rest of the ice cream dessert, AND we are going to eat lite and healthy food for the next several days to have the feeling of getting back on track.  Right now it feels like such a HUGE effort to go back to the way we’ve been eating the last few months.  It’s kind of like how I image packing for a weekend trip is going to take me, like, 3 hours, but it doesn’t!  It’s easier than I think.

So, back on track we shall go – tomorrow, not after the holiday break is over.  We ARE planning a Bacchus-like feast on January 2nd, so we have that in our near future.  BUT, in the meantime, we can try and kick that old holiday mentality of anything goes!  I may even need to post some daily food plans on the blog just to keep things out there and on the record.

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