Archive | January, 2012

I’ve eaten a little too much food this week…

28 Jan

no big binges, just a few meals that were more than I needed.  Example: Today’s lunch – turkey patty, salad, 6 oz bag of Kettle chips w/some light sour cream.  The first two items would have been plenty.

I’m blaming it on PMS, but who knows.  I’ve been feeling pretty happy and satisfied the last several days…so, I guess it could be a little anxiety about some new, good things taking shape.  My mind has been crazy busy with all sorts of ideas.  Mainly I think it’s hormones.

I DO think there is still a part of me that needs to believe I’m not a complete success.  You know?  As in, “Who do you think you are in your big girl pants, setting a goal and then looking like you might meet it?  Huh?”  It’s a gnawing, nagging voice that needs to convince me I’ve got on heels that are a little too high for my own good.  “Lost 3 more pounds, huh, (as reported in my last post), “so best test you now, Smarty-Smartenstein.   I mean, do you REALLY think you can lose those 50 lbs?   Huh, really?”

Yes, I do.  I’m persevering…sometimes there might be a step back or two, but I’m ambling forward.  I bought a few new shirts yesterday in a smaller ‘size’ (oy vey, the difference in sizes – that’s the topic of a whole other blog), and it felt so great!  I could actually see the difference in myself standing in front of that dressing room mirror in those cute shirts…proof that even though I can’t always feel it OR see it, I’m moving in the right direction – forward!

Twenty-four LBs total…

22 Jan

yep, that’s right.  Yeeeeeehaw!  Stepped on the gym scale today and I’d lost another 3 pounds since last Saturday.  There was no magic this week…in fact, if you’ll recall there were even chips involved.

I’m beginning to see that maybe my weight loss pattern is an accumulation over 2 -3 weeks rather than 2 lbs or so per week – it will be 1/2 pound, then nothing, then three pounds, etc.  This is not a scientific study.   Could also be two weeks in a row of 5X per week at the gym…who knows?

What I DO know is that I was pretty happy with the discovery.  I even weighed myself twice to be sure.  I still can’t quite get used to my head telling me that I don’t feel any different from 24 LBs ago.  My clothes, however, tell a different story.  I’m thinking it’s the slow weight loss method…

Just about time to consult a tailor!  I’ve discovered that the little shop in old town Sherwood does all of the alterations for Nordstrom, so I know they’ll be good. 

I didn’t have a 25 LB treat established for myself.  I’m thinking I’ll wait until 30, (after all I DID just go to the spa which was a big treat).  Now I’ve got to think of something for 30!


I’m feeling overwhelmed with stress…

18 Jan

and on Monday, I had a ‘Big Grab’ of Lays chips and half of a Big Grab Cheetos to soothe myself.  It wasn’t a good day.  I had a conflict with my boss over a long vacation I requested, which resulted in a drop in my monthly [retainer] hours from 90 to 70.  I have been feeling anxious ever since.

The good news is, most of the time I work nearly 90 hours per month, and so my pay will not change.  However, those months when work is slow, my income will be cut by nearly 20%.  I can’t get it off my mind.

Some good things regarding coping:

1.  I went to my Zumba class on Monday after this happened, even though I didn’t want to at all!

2.  Monday was the only day I used food.

3. When I did use food, it was a much smaller portion of what I have consumed in the past.  The December binge that made me feel so physically miserable was on my mind and, I believe, helped me not go for the family-sized bag.

Another thing of note is that I’m seeing and realizing all of the various triggers that lead me to want to choose food to cope.  I think I’ve covered tiredness, comforting…  I think this time, I wanted the chips to act as a cork for my anxiety and unpleasant emotions…hoped it would stop me from feeling them.  However, (of course) this didn’t work.  I still felt anxious after the binge, though it did feel like I ‘loosened the belt’ on the anxiety for a bit.  In the end, I’m still feeling down and worried.

I thought seriously about keeping this to myself and not putting it on the blog.  I don’t know why this feels different from other episodes, except that somehow my worth feels tangled up in the situation and the cutting of my hours.  So, I guess that’s another positive, that I DID decide to share.  I believe that once I start keeping secrets about my eating, it will become a seriously slippery slope and I’ll be tempted to do it all the time.  My therapist, Kristy, really helped me hone that decision today.  Another positive-sharing it all in therapy.

This is life, isn’t it?  Unpleasantness arises and what then?  It’s there until it isn’t.  It doesn’t go away until it is forgotten or a solution is found.  The feelings lessen with time, but no amount of food is going to take them away.  If it does at all, it’s the few minutes when I’m watching TV (not thinking about the issue) and concentrating on the binge food.

At least for this moment, my plan is to go to the Y for a circuit workout.  I feel a bit like I want to cry, but I’ll go workout instead.  This moment is all I’m guaranteed.

Tomorrow is spa day…

15 Jan

and I’m very excited.  This is something I don’t do very often because it’s a bit spendy.  Especially when you are going somewhere like the Allison Hotel spa.  Unfortunately, the joy of relaxation and pampering is always accompanied by a little anxiety. 

A day or two before I go, I start worrying about certain things like – will the robe they have for me actually fit (or will I flash others when I sit down)…will I be the largest woman at the spa…will people think I don’t fit in because I’m fat…how many people will be standing around when I get undressed?  It’s a bit nerve racking – K-F*KD radio is exceptionally loud in these situations. Somehow I always seem to get through it and enjoy the luxurious experience. 

I used to feel a little of that in my Zumba classes –like the large misfit.  But, now that I’ve gotten a few of the routines under my belt, it’s less awkward and I am less anxious.  It does make me wonder, though, if I will always feel this way, no matter my size…

Today before Zumba, I stepped on the scale and discovered I’d lost 1.5 lbs since Monday, which is good.  For some reason, however, I thought it might be a touch more just because I’ve eaten pretty well this week AND, I made it to the gym 5 days out of 7.  This is big for me.  Sometimes I try to pass off a dog walk as a workout, but the dog wants to stop and sniff so often, the momentum just isn’t there. 

Because I prefer gym classes to the mind-numbingly dull treadmill, I tried a circuit workout on Wednesday.  OH EM GEE!  I thought I was pretty awesome because I can get through an hour Zumba class like a champ.  Well, that circuit sh*t is hard!  There were 14 stations (everything from doing the plank on a ball, to jumping on this half squishy ball thing, to literally shuffling though hoops), doing each for a minute and then moving on to the next.  Everyone goes around the circuit twice for a full body workout in about 45 minutes.

That class kicked my butt, and I felt great…AFTERwards.  I’m noticing I need to push myself harder now that I’m working out more often.  In light of that fact, I think this class needs to stay in the repertoire.  I’m a gal who usually likes things to be easy, and that class isn’t.  For that reason alone, I need to keep going.

After stepping on the scale, I started to panic a bit thinking I’m not going to meet my 50 lb goal by May 10th.  That’s a bit disturbing, and I don’t want to lose sight of that goal or let myself of the hook in anyway.  But, if I don’t make EXACTLY 50 lbs by that date, but still keep losing, even at a pound a week (or slower) I’m still on the right track. 

Let’s say it takes me 2 years or more to lose all my weight (50 pounds is just the first goal marker, by the way – there will be more to lose after that), that will still be an incredible achievement. (Hmmm, do I sound a little bit like I’m trying to convince myself with that statement?)  As long as there is weight loss, no gaining or going back to old habits, it’s a win/win.  I’ll get there eventually.

There are already so many changes I don’t write about or even stop to acknowledge.  For example, last night, Tom asked me if I wanted to split a cookie for dessert.  I said I didn’t think so as I knew I’d be having something sweet on Sunday night (Golden Globe party).  I mean, WHO AM I?  That doesn’t sound like me at all…or at least it didn’t used to.  The old me would not eat half a cupcake for dessert.  She’d have had the whole thing and wanted more.

I guess I’m slowly morphing into a healthier me.  I do hope at some point those things really DO feel like the present me.  It would be nice to really own them instead of thinking, “That’s not like me.  I don’t think those things.” 

Well, I guess I do now.

I wanted to eat chips today…

5 Jan

not in that addiction/junky kind of way like the last time I had them.  BUT, in an ahhhh, I’ve the house to myself, and it’s rainy and wouldn’t it be cozy to sit and curl up around a bag of chips with dip and watch Kennedy Center Honors, kind of way.

That must be why I was able to talk myself out of it!  Instead, for lunch, I had vegies and yogurt dip (thank you EVA for the Rose Bowl day leftovers!), and now I am treating myself to a pedicure. 

I haven’t weighed myself this week, but last week after the Christmas festivities, I’d only gained about a 1/2 pound.  Miracle of miracles…will weigh again on Friday.

For now…Yay for today’s little victory!