I’m feeling overwhelmed with stress…

18 Jan

and on Monday, I had a ‘Big Grab’ of Lays chips and half of a Big Grab Cheetos to soothe myself.  It wasn’t a good day.  I had a conflict with my boss over a long vacation I requested, which resulted in a drop in my monthly [retainer] hours from 90 to 70.  I have been feeling anxious ever since.

The good news is, most of the time I work nearly 90 hours per month, and so my pay will not change.  However, those months when work is slow, my income will be cut by nearly 20%.  I can’t get it off my mind.

Some good things regarding coping:

1.  I went to my Zumba class on Monday after this happened, even though I didn’t want to at all!

2.  Monday was the only day I used food.

3. When I did use food, it was a much smaller portion of what I have consumed in the past.  The December binge that made me feel so physically miserable was on my mind and, I believe, helped me not go for the family-sized bag.

Another thing of note is that I’m seeing and realizing all of the various triggers that lead me to want to choose food to cope.  I think I’ve covered tiredness, comforting…  I think this time, I wanted the chips to act as a cork for my anxiety and unpleasant emotions…hoped it would stop me from feeling them.  However, (of course) this didn’t work.  I still felt anxious after the binge, though it did feel like I ‘loosened the belt’ on the anxiety for a bit.  In the end, I’m still feeling down and worried.

I thought seriously about keeping this to myself and not putting it on the blog.  I don’t know why this feels different from other episodes, except that somehow my worth feels tangled up in the situation and the cutting of my hours.  So, I guess that’s another positive, that I DID decide to share.  I believe that once I start keeping secrets about my eating, it will become a seriously slippery slope and I’ll be tempted to do it all the time.  My therapist, Kristy, really helped me hone that decision today.  Another positive-sharing it all in therapy.

This is life, isn’t it?  Unpleasantness arises and what then?  It’s there until it isn’t.  It doesn’t go away until it is forgotten or a solution is found.  The feelings lessen with time, but no amount of food is going to take them away.  If it does at all, it’s the few minutes when I’m watching TV (not thinking about the issue) and concentrating on the binge food.

At least for this moment, my plan is to go to the Y for a circuit workout.  I feel a bit like I want to cry, but I’ll go workout instead.  This moment is all I’m guaranteed.

4 Responses to “I’m feeling overwhelmed with stress…”

  1. moobabes January 18, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

    Hey K,

    Thanks for sharing and for being aware of it all. It must feel good to notice the changes in your reaction. Love the idea of the gym but also, I say give yourself a good ol’ cry–usually makes me feel better. Love ya.

  2. drnancy January 18, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

    I hear you, Sister! You have done admirably well on this!!

    My drug of choice for (name that anxiety) is TV. I thought it might just be the escapism that helped, but what I really think happens is that it shifts my focus and consequently my physiology out of whatever unpleasantness I’ve encountered, so I can try and tackle an uncomfortable situation with a brand new perspective.
    xoxo

  3. Jeanine Hemel Sullivan January 18, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

    KLL –
    I react to confrontation – it always feels like I’m so, so wrong, and the world is letting me know not to get too big for my britches. That’s what came up in my private therapy session, while reading your post. Hope it feels better after a workout. Wish I could come, too! I am slowly abstaining from doing anything useful on this “snow” day.
    Love you very —
    j

  4. Diane January 19, 2012 at 2:16 am #

    Oh, Kendall. Bummer. It was on my mind for the past few days, and I was hoping for a good outcome. Your honesty is inspiring, and so is continuing to plug away at doing the right thing and sticking with your plan. Big hug!

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