Archive | March, 2012

Not excited about my lunch today…

29 Mar

not sure why.  It’s all good food and stuff I like – leftover roast chicken, leftover wild rice salad and crispy Brussels sprouts.  Just isn’t floating my boat for some reason.

I’ve been in a mild and chronic funk since last Tuesday’s meltdown.  I attribute this to the realization that (I know, again!) I’m an addict.  I deal with unpleasant things with a food addiction – emotional eating – whatever color you want to paint it.  It is (as they say) what it is. 

It’s time to face facts that my desire to eat over things that ruffle my feathers may never go away.  It’s the way I’m built.  What CAN change are my choices in how I deal with those ruffles.  I think this is what has me emotionally exhausted and low – the thought of the work it will take to change.

What I’ve done so far, and the weight I’ve lost since September feels like a bit of a honeymoon period.  I’ve changed some of my behaviors (more exercise) and choices (I’ve realized I don’t much miss sandwich bread), AND I know the results have been great.  No more seatbelt extension on airplanes – smaller clothes – greater confidence – better physical stamina.

Today I added to that list.  I went and had blood drawn for routine work, and all of my levels are in the right places!  Lower bad cholesterol, higher good cholesterol, lower tryglicerides.  It’s great.  So, why don’t I feel like celebrating?

All I can chalk it up to at this moment is change.  Change is hard, even when it’s good.  I’ve been a certain way for so long, it’s kind of weird leaving that familiarity behind.  Ask the intellectual side of me which I prefer, the old ways or the growing new ways, and I’ll answer ‘new’ every day of the week.  But, on the emotional side, I’m struggling to let go.

The other new thing is, I’m realizing some things about myself I’m not thrilled by.  Some of the negative emotions and personality traits I have were covered up and, or more accurately, stuffed down with food; revealed is my more judgmental and negative side.  I think I was a ‘nicer’ person when I was stuffing.  At least I felt nicer to the outside world.

But, I’ve got to find a healthy way to deal with these emotions and traits without punishing myself for feeling, thinking and acting this way.   I’ve got a few ideas to try.  One is journaling.  Blogging is really helping me and I’m glad it’s a part of this process.  But, there are some things that are even too private for a blog.  Plus, I should probably journal more frequently.  Another is looking into some kind of support group, whether it be online or in person. 

Foodwise, instead of recording what I eat at the end of the day, I’ve started writing what I plan to eat the next day and then trying my best to stick to it.  Then I can adjust accordingly at the end of the day.

I’ve been listening to Diane Keaton’s biography while I’m at the gym, and she asked herself why it was she felt she was ‘entitled’ to happiness.  I’m starting to think the same thing about changes being easy.  Why should I expect what I’m going through to be easy?  My life, for the most part is really easy and great.  But, to think or expect it to be that way is, what…I don’t even know the right word for it.  Arrogant?  Naive?  It’s like when people say, “why me?”  (And I admit, I AM one of those people.)  Why NOT me? 

I don’t know.  All of this has my mind feeling quite foggy these days as I work to sort through it.  I’ve been known to get really sleepy when trying to stay connected in situations that are (mostly emotionally) challenging for me.  In fact, I’m feeling pretty sleepy right now. 

BUT, it’s time for lunch – roast chicken, wild rice salad and Brussels sprouts – as I recorded last night as today’s plan for the mid-day meal…

F**k Me!

21 Mar

Yes, that’s how I truly feel right now.

You know that statement about how it’s easy to meditate when you are sitting on top of a mountain, but the true test is when you are back in the real world?  Well, I feel like I fail that test every EFFing time!

My life, seriously, is probably about 95% stress free.  I’ve got no real worries.  BUT, when one thing happens to stress me out, I lose my self-control and totally eff myself over. 

Again, it’s about work – this time it’s missing out on a trip in April that would have added significant hours to my monthly timesheet.  It’s completely legitimate why I won’t be going, but it made me panic about the month’s income.  Now, in actuality, I may work plenty of hours that month and all may be just fine.  BUT, I go immediately to the worried and panicked place and then what do I do?

I think we all know the answer to that one…

I eat! 

I’m just screwing myself when I do it.  As I’ve said here and told myself time and time again, it solves nothing and it doesn’t make me feel any better.  Actually, it’s worse.  Now there are two things to be upset about.

I believe another component is that “I didn’t get my way” and that really annoys me.  I wanted to go to NY.  I like the travel and I was going to get to spend time with my brother-in-law and his wife whom I haven’t seen in a long time.  I was also making plans for how I would spend my day before I had to start working (check out Chelsea Market, find a zumba class…).  It’s like I’m having a tantrum that something changed in which *I* didn’t have a say.

I feel like crap and, once again, see how I am keeping myself from my 50/50 goal.  Yes, I’ve achieved some success,  BUT, not quite enough to make it to the goal by the date I chose.

Why, why, why don’t I call someone for help?  Why don’t I try and stop myself?  The only answer I can seem to come up with is that for some reason (maybe even more than one), I don’t want to.  It’s driving me crazy.  I’m like two different people – one who wants the help, and one who doesn’t want to be stopped.

It’s like waiting until a cut heals, and the scab falls off and then cutting the same place again.  I’m really starting to worry this part of me won’t change…the way I deal with these unpleasant things that ‘happen to me.’  And, they aren’t even that bad!  I listened to NPR on my drive home tonight and heard about horrible tragedies in the world.  I have a friend who is going through a gut wrenching personal issue right now.  How can I possibly complain?

Maybe it’s feeling a lack of control…when my life is stress free, I can lull myself into believing I’m in control and everything is hunky dory.  When things rise up that disturb my comfort level, I suddenly feel things are out of (my) control.

It’s just the shitz tonight.  In this particular moment, I don’t feel very successful or proud…

A.M. animal is a must for me…

16 Mar

yesterday I had whole grain cereal, strawberries and NF milk for breakfast.  I went to Zumba at 10:30 and about 40 minutes into class, I started feeling shakey and left early.  The first thing I wanted to do was eat – and eat big food, fast.

I stopped at Sanchez Taqueria for a chicken burrito (which is a heavy torpedo), came home, dumped the contents out of the shell, and scarfed it down with avocado, salsa, sour cream, and blue corn chips.  THEN, I ate half a bag of Pirate’s Booty.  Of course, I was pretty full before I even finished the burrito.  But, I was still in ‘stop the shakes’ desperation mode.

Today, I had a bigger, more protein-rich breakfast.  It included a turkey patty on 90 calorie high fiber bread, a slice of havarti, 2 small tangerines and a Chobani with chia seeds and a sprinkle of granola. 

I know, it’s a big breakfast.  BUT, I’ve been ‘borrowing’ some advice from my friend’s nutritionist who says one of his hard and fast rules is to ‘eat like a king at breakfast, a queen at lunch and a peasant at dinner.’   Consequently, I had NO shakes during Zumba today and I still feel pretty satisfied now at 12:15 in the afternoon.  I’m not feeling food-desperate, or really craving anything.

Lunch will be a chicken salad, and for dinner we’re having salmon and asparagus.  (Okay, not sure a peasant could afford salmon [unless he caught it himself], but I believe the peasant advice is regarding the amount you eat at dinner).  Apparently, you are also supposed to try and have dinner by 5:00 or 5:30, which will pretty much never happen because it’s WAY too early for us. 

I even get an afternoon snack on this plan – which today I’m thinking will be celery with goat cheese, and some fruit.

So, I reckon my point is, my breakfasts from now on may have to be a little less conventional.  I absolutely LOVE having fruit, yogurt and cereal for breakfast.  And, I guess I can still have that as long as I also include some chicken, turkey, eggs, etc.  My body is telling me that the protein in yogurt alone is not enough if I’m going to be at all active between breakfast and lunch.  I’ve even felt these shakes when walking Tux between breakfast and lunch, which, with the number of stops he ‘needs’ to make is not high-level activity.

And, yes, it was a big breakfast today, but, if it keeps me from downing a huge burrito and salty, crunchy carbs in the middle of the day, in the end I’ll be eating less for the day.

The learning curve seems to go on and on…

20-block walk to dinner? No sweat!

15 Mar

I just returned from a trip to Southern California and NYC where I did some things I hadn’t done since I lost my 27ish LBs.  I didn’t think about it before I left, but this gave me an opportunity to see some differences in my fitness level.

When I visit my dear friend Murray in Santa Monica, if we have the time, we always walk to the Whole Foods in Venice for coffee and breakfast.  It’s about a 20ish minute walk – no biggy.  BUT, the walk back to her house includes a verrrrrrrry long 3-block, steep hill.  This hill usually kicks my butt, and in the past I have had to stop and rest before continuing on.  This time, no rest needed!  And, I was able to carry on a conversation without feeling as if I’d heave up a lung.

Then, in NYC, my co-workers and I walked 20 blocks to dinner (Bolud Sud – SO good).  Several of my co-workers’ ‘normal’ walking pace is not slow.  In the past, I’ve had to work at keeping up AND, by the time I reached my destination I was a sweat-head.  This time, NOPE!  Their normal pace was also my normal pace, and there was no sweat dripping down my neck.  It was awesome!

I had no idea this trip would afford me the opportunity to see a change in my fitness, and it was a great thing to realize.  For the most part, I focus much more on the scale, my size and how my clothes fit.  But, of course, being in better physical condition is better…better for my health and my comfort and peace of mind in getting around my world.

Ooooops, better get this posted – it’s about time to go to Zumba!

Clothing dilemma solved!

5 Mar

I decided to take the most expensive pair of jeans back to Macy’s, and keep the cheaper pair.  THEN, I went to Target on Thursday and found 4 pair of pants (okay, they were cropped – too chilly to wear them right now, will they still fit by summer?) for the (almost) price of the jeans I took back!

THEN, yesterday I went ‘shopping’ and got a whole new wardrobe for F-R-E-E!  Yes, that’s right.  Late last week, I suddenly remembered I had at least 2 space bags full of clothes tucked under the bed.  (You know, the kind where you use the vaccuum to suck out all the extra air?)  Well, these bags were packed with clothes when we moved from Los Angeles 5 years ago!  I hadn’t looked at them since.

Consequently, many of them seemed new to me.  Honestly, a few items I didn’t even remember.  Here are the clothes piled up and ready to try on…

'new clothes' pile

It was such a great find – and fun!  I’m not sure I’m going to keep everything yet, BUT, I ended up with 15 shirts 6 skirts and 7 pair of pants.  Needless to say, today was ALL about laundry.  It kind of looks like a clothing shop in here right now.  But all well worth it.


While I was at it, I also decided to get rid of the things that were too big.  

Goodwill pile

So, great progress was made today.  And, I feel so good about having new things to wear that fit better than the things I gave away.  I must also mention here how awesome(er) my husband is…I started the laundry parade this morning, and then had to go out and run errands.  He kept the washing duties up while I was gone.  So helpful!  Yet another reason to love him as I do.

BTW…I ended up keeping one Target pair of pants and taking the rest back.  Don’t need them now…what a victory!


Stuck to the plan pretty well today!

1 Mar

Breakfast and lunch and snack were all right on.  For dinner I had steak chili, 1 glass of wine  and 1/2 a grilled cheese…so, strayed a bit, but not bad.  AND, I feel much better at the end of this day – not stuffed or even full.

Goal for this weekend – get ALL of the ‘too big and baggy’ clothes out of the house and to the Goodwill.  (Remember receipt for tax purposes – actually, remembering the receipt is easy, putting it someplace I’ll remember for next year’s taxes – not so much.)

Still working on the new clothes thing – going to try Target for some cheaper, new jeans!  Will report the results…BTW, Old Navy now has plus sized clothes (online only), which could be a great solution for the vacation wardrobe.

Tomorrow’s food plan:

Breakfast – Some sort of cereal, yogurt, fruit combination, coffee;

Lunch – a chicken salad, fruit;

Snack – fruit and nuts or a few crackers and pnut butter;

Dinner – chicken, veg and israeli couscous stew

Also, trying a new Zumba class tomorrow.  Feeling good about my plan!