F**k Me!

21 Mar

Yes, that’s how I truly feel right now.

You know that statement about how it’s easy to meditate when you are sitting on top of a mountain, but the true test is when you are back in the real world?  Well, I feel like I fail that test every EFFing time!

My life, seriously, is probably about 95% stress free.  I’ve got no real worries.  BUT, when one thing happens to stress me out, I lose my self-control and totally eff myself over. 

Again, it’s about work – this time it’s missing out on a trip in April that would have added significant hours to my monthly timesheet.  It’s completely legitimate why I won’t be going, but it made me panic about the month’s income.  Now, in actuality, I may work plenty of hours that month and all may be just fine.  BUT, I go immediately to the worried and panicked place and then what do I do?

I think we all know the answer to that one…

I eat! 

I’m just screwing myself when I do it.  As I’ve said here and told myself time and time again, it solves nothing and it doesn’t make me feel any better.  Actually, it’s worse.  Now there are two things to be upset about.

I believe another component is that “I didn’t get my way” and that really annoys me.  I wanted to go to NY.  I like the travel and I was going to get to spend time with my brother-in-law and his wife whom I haven’t seen in a long time.  I was also making plans for how I would spend my day before I had to start working (check out Chelsea Market, find a zumba class…).  It’s like I’m having a tantrum that something changed in which *I* didn’t have a say.

I feel like crap and, once again, see how I am keeping myself from my 50/50 goal.  Yes, I’ve achieved some success,  BUT, not quite enough to make it to the goal by the date I chose.

Why, why, why don’t I call someone for help?  Why don’t I try and stop myself?  The only answer I can seem to come up with is that for some reason (maybe even more than one), I don’t want to.  It’s driving me crazy.  I’m like two different people – one who wants the help, and one who doesn’t want to be stopped.

It’s like waiting until a cut heals, and the scab falls off and then cutting the same place again.  I’m really starting to worry this part of me won’t change…the way I deal with these unpleasant things that ‘happen to me.’  And, they aren’t even that bad!  I listened to NPR on my drive home tonight and heard about horrible tragedies in the world.  I have a friend who is going through a gut wrenching personal issue right now.  How can I possibly complain?

Maybe it’s feeling a lack of control…when my life is stress free, I can lull myself into believing I’m in control and everything is hunky dory.  When things rise up that disturb my comfort level, I suddenly feel things are out of (my) control.

It’s just the shitz tonight.  In this particular moment, I don’t feel very successful or proud…

One Response to “F**k Me!”

  1. Diane March 22, 2012 at 2:01 am #

    Oh man, oh man. Hope you’ve managed to turn down Radio KFKD by now! Not the best station to tune into! Really, Kendall, you’ve been doing great. Sometimes it’s hard for one feeling to remember another; like if you feel in the shitz one day you feel like you’ve never been out of the shitz ever. From my perspective, though, you’re a winner. Love you!

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