Not excited about my lunch today…

29 Mar

not sure why.  It’s all good food and stuff I like – leftover roast chicken, leftover wild rice salad and crispy Brussels sprouts.  Just isn’t floating my boat for some reason.

I’ve been in a mild and chronic funk since last Tuesday’s meltdown.  I attribute this to the realization that (I know, again!) I’m an addict.  I deal with unpleasant things with a food addiction – emotional eating – whatever color you want to paint it.  It is (as they say) what it is. 

It’s time to face facts that my desire to eat over things that ruffle my feathers may never go away.  It’s the way I’m built.  What CAN change are my choices in how I deal with those ruffles.  I think this is what has me emotionally exhausted and low – the thought of the work it will take to change.

What I’ve done so far, and the weight I’ve lost since September feels like a bit of a honeymoon period.  I’ve changed some of my behaviors (more exercise) and choices (I’ve realized I don’t much miss sandwich bread), AND I know the results have been great.  No more seatbelt extension on airplanes – smaller clothes – greater confidence – better physical stamina.

Today I added to that list.  I went and had blood drawn for routine work, and all of my levels are in the right places!  Lower bad cholesterol, higher good cholesterol, lower tryglicerides.  It’s great.  So, why don’t I feel like celebrating?

All I can chalk it up to at this moment is change.  Change is hard, even when it’s good.  I’ve been a certain way for so long, it’s kind of weird leaving that familiarity behind.  Ask the intellectual side of me which I prefer, the old ways or the growing new ways, and I’ll answer ‘new’ every day of the week.  But, on the emotional side, I’m struggling to let go.

The other new thing is, I’m realizing some things about myself I’m not thrilled by.  Some of the negative emotions and personality traits I have were covered up and, or more accurately, stuffed down with food; revealed is my more judgmental and negative side.  I think I was a ‘nicer’ person when I was stuffing.  At least I felt nicer to the outside world.

But, I’ve got to find a healthy way to deal with these emotions and traits without punishing myself for feeling, thinking and acting this way.   I’ve got a few ideas to try.  One is journaling.  Blogging is really helping me and I’m glad it’s a part of this process.  But, there are some things that are even too private for a blog.  Plus, I should probably journal more frequently.  Another is looking into some kind of support group, whether it be online or in person. 

Foodwise, instead of recording what I eat at the end of the day, I’ve started writing what I plan to eat the next day and then trying my best to stick to it.  Then I can adjust accordingly at the end of the day.

I’ve been listening to Diane Keaton’s biography while I’m at the gym, and she asked herself why it was she felt she was ‘entitled’ to happiness.  I’m starting to think the same thing about changes being easy.  Why should I expect what I’m going through to be easy?  My life, for the most part is really easy and great.  But, to think or expect it to be that way is, what…I don’t even know the right word for it.  Arrogant?  Naive?  It’s like when people say, “why me?”  (And I admit, I AM one of those people.)  Why NOT me? 

I don’t know.  All of this has my mind feeling quite foggy these days as I work to sort through it.  I’ve been known to get really sleepy when trying to stay connected in situations that are (mostly emotionally) challenging for me.  In fact, I’m feeling pretty sleepy right now. 

BUT, it’s time for lunch – roast chicken, wild rice salad and Brussels sprouts – as I recorded last night as today’s plan for the mid-day meal…

One Response to “Not excited about my lunch today…”

  1. Diane March 31, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

    Hey, girl, I put off reading this blog while getting ready for Maisie’s Arabian Nights birthday sleepover (it’s tonight), but now that I’ve read it I’m sorry I didn’t sooner! It’s really moving. I appreciate how honest you are about how hard it is, but I appreciate more how matter-of-fact you are, no whining or self-pity. It sounds like you’re grieving parts of your “old” self–even if they were the parts that were not the authentic you, the “you” you’re now revealing without stuffing. Personally, I love the authentic you. Big hug, Diane

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