Archive | April, 2012

Damned if you do, and don’t.

17 Apr

I’ve been meaning to post a new update since about last Wednesday, but the thought of distilling and writing up all that’s been going on was exhausting.  What follows is only a portion of what is going on with me and my weight loss journey.

Last week was rough.  Specifically, the early part of the week.  My depression was in full swing, and I was detoxing from three nights in a row of dessert.  Could they be related?  I think so.  It was that nasty, lethargic, trying to swim through pasty oatmeal kind of depression.  I had no motivation for anything, and I wanted to eat big bowls of popcorn.  (I would like to point out, however, that I still exercised – a BIG part of the ‘new’ me.)

I think I was emotionally exhausted.  Therapy on Wednesday helped.  A call with a good friend also helped.  I think (just one of the many) emotional things that was weighing me down (I know, pun) was the constant conversation and struggle in my head to NOT eat something I might be really wanting (i.e. popcorn w/truffle oil and parm).  And, I do mean constant.  Thinking I want it, telling myself I shouldn’t have it.  Bargaining.  Wishing the thoughts would go away.  Thinking maybe I could just have a little.  It is very tiring.

But, talking with my friend last week made me realize, what I’m choosing is one kind of misery or the other.  I’m miserable wanting the popcorn, and I’m miserable after I have it.  Hmmmm…that made it seem more clear than I’d ever seen it before.   I needed to see it that way instead of kidding myself into believing I’ll feel better if I JUST have the popcorn.  Now, intellectually I already know that doesn’t happen.   But, emotionally I just can’t seem to realize it.

For some reason the two miseries (damned if I do, damned if I don’t) made it clear.  And for that day, and the rest of that week, I chose the misery of not getting to have the popcorn.  And, some of my stress was relieved.  It is something I will constantly need to say to myself each time I am in a position to want to satisfy that addictive part of me.  Hopefully, the addictive cravings will eventually lessen, and occur less often.  But, for now, it is a constant struggle.

It isn’t automatic for me to ask myself this misery question yet.  I failed yesterday when I ate cheesy Doritos on the drive home from the beach to make myself feel better after losing money at the casino.  The earlier part of the day was SO lovely – Tux and I walked and ran on the beach for nearly an hour and a half and had such fun enjoying the weather and (him) a face full of seafoam.  Then I went to the casino and thought, for sure I’d have good luck – after all, it’s my birthday month.  I HAVE to win.  Nope.  Ugh…

There are victories and there are defeats.  I often see only the defeats and not the victories.  Running on the beach yesterday felt really good, where as in the past, it was kind of yucky and I couldn’t catch my breath.  That goes in the V column.  As does a loss of (FINALLY) 3 more lbs for a total of 30.  Another V.

I’m thinking I need to put up some post-its around the house to remind myself to think about the 2 miseries when I’m about to put something ‘bad’ in my mouth.  Maybe one in the car would be good as well. 

This is such a process.  And I want to make my goal, even though I sabotage myself at times.  I guess at this rate, it could take a couple of years.  But, I’ll be two-years older in two years anyway.  I might as well be working on getting to an ideal weight.

My birthday is this weekend, and there isn’t going to be a 50 by fifty.  More like a 30 by fifty, which is an accomplishment.  I have a feeling there is a part of me, though, that is feeling a little sadness at not achieving my initial goal.  Oh yeah, and MAYBE some feelings about turning 50.  I guess it’s true we are complex individuals.  Sometimes I wish I were a little more simple.

Easter 2012…

9 Apr

And so it begins…(what I hope will be) my daily journal (though I won’t post all of my journaling here).  My wish is to take my emotional temperature every day to see how I might avoid the emotional eating I still seem to feel I need.  The feelings seem too much to handle, I guess, because they make me so antsy I can’t wait to put something (usually) salty and crunchy in my mouth to quiet them down – actually, who am I kidding, I want to silence them completely. 

I have to do something.  I feel, again, like I’m falling into denial and fooling myself into believing that my actions don’t have any impact on my gaining or losing weight.  I don’t seem to be able to connect the food I’m eating to the result that I’m not losing any more weight.  It’s like, “Here, just have this bowl of popcorn, dear.  it’ll be okay.  It’s just this once.”  Evil, evil little voice…and I believe it and WANT to believe it every time. 

Yesterday, I wanted to buy a pastry at the farmer’s market and Tom talked me out of it.  I was as mad as a wet hornet because I WANTED to have a pastry (I can feel my inner child stomping her foot quite passionately).  Interestingly – I was mad for maybe 15 to 20 minutes then it passed.  Usually no one is there to intervene when I have my desire for a food ‘thing’ to try and get me to stop.  It’s what I can’t seem to do for myself.  Of course, I decided that since I didn’t have my pastry we’d get burgers for lunch.  BUT, I do think it was good for me to realize that the ‘mad’ will eventually go away (though I have to try not to hold grudges).  And he wasn’t doing it to be a jerk.  We’d had a conversation the night before about how I felt I was drowning in my own denial again and was making bad choices and slipping into the old me.  He was being helpful.

So, I guess it was good to have that experience, get to the other side of it and learn something from it.  I’ve got to do something.  I’ve been thinking about my first blog post where I said, “If not now, then when?”  And I need to get that thinking and feeling back.  I really like being able to walk up an incline and not huff and puff.  But, I need to connect the dots and realize, if I gain weight I won’t have that great feeling any longer.  I need to connect the dots!  I hope this journal will be helpful in doing so.