Easter 2012…

9 Apr

And so it begins…(what I hope will be) my daily journal (though I won’t post all of my journaling here).  My wish is to take my emotional temperature every day to see how I might avoid the emotional eating I still seem to feel I need.  The feelings seem too much to handle, I guess, because they make me so antsy I can’t wait to put something (usually) salty and crunchy in my mouth to quiet them down – actually, who am I kidding, I want to silence them completely. 

I have to do something.  I feel, again, like I’m falling into denial and fooling myself into believing that my actions don’t have any impact on my gaining or losing weight.  I don’t seem to be able to connect the food I’m eating to the result that I’m not losing any more weight.  It’s like, “Here, just have this bowl of popcorn, dear.  it’ll be okay.  It’s just this once.”  Evil, evil little voice…and I believe it and WANT to believe it every time. 

Yesterday, I wanted to buy a pastry at the farmer’s market and Tom talked me out of it.  I was as mad as a wet hornet because I WANTED to have a pastry (I can feel my inner child stomping her foot quite passionately).  Interestingly – I was mad for maybe 15 to 20 minutes then it passed.  Usually no one is there to intervene when I have my desire for a food ‘thing’ to try and get me to stop.  It’s what I can’t seem to do for myself.  Of course, I decided that since I didn’t have my pastry we’d get burgers for lunch.  BUT, I do think it was good for me to realize that the ‘mad’ will eventually go away (though I have to try not to hold grudges).  And he wasn’t doing it to be a jerk.  We’d had a conversation the night before about how I felt I was drowning in my own denial again and was making bad choices and slipping into the old me.  He was being helpful.

So, I guess it was good to have that experience, get to the other side of it and learn something from it.  I’ve got to do something.  I’ve been thinking about my first blog post where I said, “If not now, then when?”  And I need to get that thinking and feeling back.  I really like being able to walk up an incline and not huff and puff.  But, I need to connect the dots and realize, if I gain weight I won’t have that great feeling any longer.  I need to connect the dots!  I hope this journal will be helpful in doing so.

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