Damned if you do, and don’t.

17 Apr

I’ve been meaning to post a new update since about last Wednesday, but the thought of distilling and writing up all that’s been going on was exhausting.  What follows is only a portion of what is going on with me and my weight loss journey.

Last week was rough.  Specifically, the early part of the week.  My depression was in full swing, and I was detoxing from three nights in a row of dessert.  Could they be related?  I think so.  It was that nasty, lethargic, trying to swim through pasty oatmeal kind of depression.  I had no motivation for anything, and I wanted to eat big bowls of popcorn.  (I would like to point out, however, that I still exercised – a BIG part of the ‘new’ me.)

I think I was emotionally exhausted.  Therapy on Wednesday helped.  A call with a good friend also helped.  I think (just one of the many) emotional things that was weighing me down (I know, pun) was the constant conversation and struggle in my head to NOT eat something I might be really wanting (i.e. popcorn w/truffle oil and parm).  And, I do mean constant.  Thinking I want it, telling myself I shouldn’t have it.  Bargaining.  Wishing the thoughts would go away.  Thinking maybe I could just have a little.  It is very tiring.

But, talking with my friend last week made me realize, what I’m choosing is one kind of misery or the other.  I’m miserable wanting the popcorn, and I’m miserable after I have it.  Hmmmm…that made it seem more clear than I’d ever seen it before.   I needed to see it that way instead of kidding myself into believing I’ll feel better if I JUST have the popcorn.  Now, intellectually I already know that doesn’t happen.   But, emotionally I just can’t seem to realize it.

For some reason the two miseries (damned if I do, damned if I don’t) made it clear.  And for that day, and the rest of that week, I chose the misery of not getting to have the popcorn.  And, some of my stress was relieved.  It is something I will constantly need to say to myself each time I am in a position to want to satisfy that addictive part of me.  Hopefully, the addictive cravings will eventually lessen, and occur less often.  But, for now, it is a constant struggle.

It isn’t automatic for me to ask myself this misery question yet.  I failed yesterday when I ate cheesy Doritos on the drive home from the beach to make myself feel better after losing money at the casino.  The earlier part of the day was SO lovely – Tux and I walked and ran on the beach for nearly an hour and a half and had such fun enjoying the weather and (him) a face full of seafoam.  Then I went to the casino and thought, for sure I’d have good luck – after all, it’s my birthday month.  I HAVE to win.  Nope.  Ugh…

There are victories and there are defeats.  I often see only the defeats and not the victories.  Running on the beach yesterday felt really good, where as in the past, it was kind of yucky and I couldn’t catch my breath.  That goes in the V column.  As does a loss of (FINALLY) 3 more lbs for a total of 30.  Another V.

I’m thinking I need to put up some post-its around the house to remind myself to think about the 2 miseries when I’m about to put something ‘bad’ in my mouth.  Maybe one in the car would be good as well. 

This is such a process.  And I want to make my goal, even though I sabotage myself at times.  I guess at this rate, it could take a couple of years.  But, I’ll be two-years older in two years anyway.  I might as well be working on getting to an ideal weight.

My birthday is this weekend, and there isn’t going to be a 50 by fifty.  More like a 30 by fifty, which is an accomplishment.  I have a feeling there is a part of me, though, that is feeling a little sadness at not achieving my initial goal.  Oh yeah, and MAYBE some feelings about turning 50.  I guess it’s true we are complex individuals.  Sometimes I wish I were a little more simple.

One Response to “Damned if you do, and don’t.”

  1. Diane April 17, 2012 at 3:54 am #

    Wow, really good entry, Kendall. In addition to excelling at your weight-loss program (and I consider losing 30 lbs. and resisting popcorn devils for a week to be very excellent) you also really excel at expressing yourself. I really got so much from reading this. And I know before long the misery of not having your craving will be outweighed by the good feeling of knowing that you’re doing the right, loving thing for your body. Even if your body wants that f-ing popcorn!!

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