27 Jun

[Originally written circa 2:30 p.m., Tuesday, June 26th before the Internet made it vanish.]

Apologies if there is dust in your face from me brushing this sucker off.  Was it really May 9th when I last published a post?  Indeed…

What is IT, that thing that makes us finally decide to do something we have either been putting off for a long time, (and)/or don’t want to do in the first place?  I hope you weren’t expecting me to provide the answer.  That was a totally rhetorical question.  Now, I think THAT would be a study worth paying for – rather than, say, whether or not lap dancers get bigger tips when they are ovulating.  [Not kidding.]

My motivation has gone underground.  I have no idea what it was back in late September that made me decide ‘if not now, then when’?  I’m back to wanting to believe I don’t have an addiction [not sure that part ever went away]; that my relationship with food is normal.  I want all of my hopes and dreams to come true while sitting on the couch watching season four of ‘Drop Dead Diva.’ I’m not asking for a miracle here.  I mean, that’s at least 13 weeks –longer if it overlaps with the summer Olympics.  But, I guess that’s not going to happen.

Therefore, I have decided to steal a move from Anne Lamott’s playbook.  Yesterday, in her Facebook post, she mentioned  there are three[motivational] things that have always worked for her, both as a writer and a mother– bribes, threats, and nagging.  Not a huge fan of the nagging.  But, I can get behind a bribe [previously known as ‘treats’.]  And, this is a good one.

If this week, Monday through Friday, I can go without salty, crunchy snacks and dessert every night, I get to book a treatment at the Allison Spa in Newberg.  I know, right?!  This means wearing a plush robe, sitting in the sun, reading magazines, drinking tea and having meals brought to me [that I order off the menu and have to pay for, but still]!  I usually save the big treats bribes for the big successes – The Allison ain’t cheap.  But, desperate times, people… I need to get back on that train!

I started craving salty crunchies late this morning when I realized it was going to be a crazy day.  And, no, I did not buy them.  Instead, I made a questionable compromise.  I went and bought two pieces of KFC.  I figured it’s much closer to ‘real food’ than Cheetos and chips, yet provides big, salty flavor.  And, it was accompanied by a lovely asparagus, broccolini salad leftover from last night’s dinner. Oh yeah, and that damned, friggin’ biscuit I didn’t know was coming with my chicken.  Okay, I said it was questionable!  But, the thing is, I didn’t have chips.  Unfortunately, I DID pretty much feel as full as I would have if I’d had the chips.  In hindsight, it wasn’t a great decision.  It was a HUGE lunch.  I’m hoping tomorrow will be better.

Surprise – I need to detox, once again, from the [crack of] salty carbs and sugar.  [Do you think there is some kind of Cheeto Methadone I could get my hands on? Scientific study anyone?]  Monday I was SO hung over from the frozen yogurt with fudge and caramel sauce I had Sunday night, I was tempted to cleanse or fast.  Okay, not really. Times are not THAT desperate. But, I did not feel good.  It’s time to get back to a routine of having dessert only once or twice a week.

While on the subject of routine, it’s time to start keeping my food journal again, and blog on a regular basis.  Those accountability pieces have been sorely absent.  Unfortunately, [yes, sometimes it feels like a ball and chain] they are an important part of my plan.  I’ve been putting it off because I felt I had to write about everything that’s happened since my last post.  Not only is that a daunting idea for me as the writer/confessor, but probably a bit much for the readers as well.  [I want to thank those friends who responded with encouraging words to last night’s FB post about my lack of enthusiasm in reviving my blog.  It helped me more than I can say.]

Instead of rehashing the last several weeks, I start from this moment FORWARD –an important word for me.  I feel like I spend most of my life on a stationary bike, spinning, but not the good-for-you kind – lots of peddling and getting nowhere.  Wanting to stay still and, I don’t know, be safe while going over the same inner ‘crap’ again and again?  I’m not even sure what kind of sense that makes – at this point, it’s just a feeling. Basically, I guess it’s time to get off the ‘gym’ bike, hit the streets and press on.

It’s back to baby steps.  They certainly have been known to work.  I don’t know that it’s been proven in any kind of scientific research – like, say, discovering if dog fleas can jump higher than cat fleas.  But, if anyone is interested in uncovering that ‘how-do-we-finally-get-ourselves-to-make-tough-decisions-and-change-our-ways’ thingy, I’d be willing to help fundraise.  Or, at least find someone who’d write a grant.

For now, my dog is warbling at me from the living room [so much for trying to skip the nagging part of the Lamott triad] in a subtle attempt to remind me we haven’t walked yet today.  I guess it would be a good idea to try and work off at least one bite of KFC skin.  I shudder to ‘do the math’ on that particular equation…

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