Archive | March, 2013

Did you know, that *I* don’t have to live by the rules?

20 Mar

Yeah, I know – that’s a load of crap!  Trying, trying again to fool myself…

I’ve been REALLY tired the last several days.  I think it is for several reasons: 1) a little too much wine drinking on Saturday, 2) many work projects that I lay awake and think about at night – how am I going to get everything done?  how should I prioritize my projects?, 3) working on things that are requiring me to stretch my brain – not just coasting along and doing the same work I’ve been doing for years.

All of these things, and I’m sure more I”m not even aware of, led to a big chip binge yesterday.  I kept telling myself, “Hey, I deserve this.  I’ve been working hard, I’m tired, [I may have lost some money at the casino on Monday].  I deserve whatever I want!”

It’s being back in that state of feeling like I can do what I want without any consequences whatsoever.  That just doesn’t happen in this world.  I want to coast through and still reap the benefits of hard work.  I ask you, who wouldn’t want that?  Three wishes – 1) to eat whatever I want and be thin; 2) to never workout and always be as fit as Jillian Michaels; and 3) enough money to be comfortable, travel the world, etc.  Are these such bad wishes?

So, my newly adopted mantra over the last couple of weeks (which I totally stole from an article about someone who’d lost a bunch of weight), is, “I can do hard things.”  I like it, and it does help when I’m feeling overwhelmed, or when I feel I’ve committed to doing something for someone that isn’t easy for me to accomplish (even though I’m perfectly capable].  You know, that feeling when you have just gotten a new job, and you are constantly asking youself when they are going to realize you’ve oversold your abilities?

Well, I really DIDN’T feel like confessing the chip binge, but I promised someone I would blog about it today.  So, now it’s done.  I need to make sure today is a healthier eating day.  I’m feeling like I just want to crawl back in bed and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.  And, I may for awhile, after my next phone meeting…

Cookie, Cookie, No, No!

14 Mar

I’m working at this A-dorable coffee shop on Corbett and their shortbread cookies look SO good.  I want one very badly.  I have to leave in 15 minutes for a meeting.  I can make it 15 more minutes, right?  I’d like to have a chai latte instead, but don’t need the caffeine…

Hmmm…maybe a latte with a little honey, or sugar, cinnamon will fill the bill?

Wshew…this ain’t no mountain top baby…


Danger, Danger…

11 Mar

I’m TIRED today.  I blame it on daylight savings time.  Last night, I read until nearly midnight, then turned off the light and was wide awake!  Is it because it was REALLY 11:00?  Who knows…

What I DO know, is that when I’m feeling tired, I want to EAT…must be very careful on days like this.  The desire to sit down with a large bag of ruffles and a pint of sour cream watching back-to-back reruns of The Big Bang Theory is high.

I started off the day with a hearty breakfast of two (I usually only have one) runny eggs on a piece of rye and half an apple.  Wasn’t sure how satisfied I’d feel, but I am feeling good on that front.

It’s 10:30 Zumba morning, and my bed is crying out, “come back, come back!”  So far, I’m resisting the urge.  Only 20 more minutes before I walk out the door, and I know I can do it.  This class is my favorite of the week because we have a great teacher, I know most of the songs/steps, AND I’ve made a few friends.  It makes it easier to ‘show up’ when you know you’ll see friendly faces.  Plus, someone might be asking themselves where I am.

I actually started off my work morning with one of my least desirable projects so that I can feel a sense of accomplishment when it is finished.  I think it will only require another hour’s worth of time to be completed!  I remember reading somewhere years ago that one tool in effectively getting unpleasant tasks finished is to just tackle them first.  Feeling good about THAT, too…

So, I just need to get through lunch and the afternoon, which is my most vulnerable time of day.  I’ve got my lunch planned, and I have a few ideas for an afternoon snack that are healthy.  If I get really desperate, I’m thinking I could take a little walk (which Tux would love), or head to the coffee shop for a latte and a little time out of the house.

This is the plan for my sleepy Monday.  I guess a power nap should also be on the list of ideas…it’s a better choice than orange-stained fingers…

I LOVE this Rilke poem…

7 Mar

I have loved it for a long time.  I go back to it often when things are hard and they seem like they may never be easy.  It comforts me….It has so many beautiful lines, but the one that stands out to remind me that something unpleasant will not last forever is this: No feeling is final.  So simple, yet I need to hear this now and then so I remember that, just because I feel a certain way in one moment doesn’t mean I will in the next.

I hope you love this poem, too…


God speaks to each of us as
he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

are words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to
the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty
and terror.
Just keep going.  No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself
lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by
its seriousnes.

Give me your hand.

If you feel like it, let me know your favorite line from the poem…


Kale Chips to the Rescue…

6 Mar

Oh man, I have a gnarly sugar detox headache today.  I had it yesterday, too, but I feel worse today.  Maybe I’m also tired from a busy workday yesterday (wearing many hats) …but it could just be general (oh yeah, that, too) hormonal, detox bitchiness.

Needless to say I’m CRAVING something crunchy and salty.  I already had a morning snack of TJ’s Savory Thin crackers, of which you get, like, a billion for 130 calories, along with a bit of gruyere.  Not enough, apparently.  (I suspect part of the problem is I want to eat something of a large quantity.  The cracker serving isn’t REALLY a billion, more like 35ish.)

So, my next weapon is home made kale chips.  A huge bunch of curly kale baked/roasted at 400 with cooking spray, salt, a bit of some other kind of seasoning and a sprinkling of fresh parm.  The beauty is, I can eat the whole panful and it’s good for me and not many calories.

Hopefully, this will help.  If not, the next piece from my arsenal is…a nap!

Fortunately, this feeling (at least the headache part) won’t last much longer…maybe through tomorrow, but should be better by Friday.  Just need to wait it out…



Last night as I was lying in bed, I realized…

5 Mar

I was feeling scared.  Scared to face the morning…scared of yet another Monday when I had a plan [devised the night before] to get back on the weight loss program – A plan that, like so many times in the past would be shot to shit by 3:00 p.m.

SO convinced I was tired of feeling full at bedtime, tired of the food highs and lows, ready with a day’s food plan – 9:00 oatmeal, 12:30 salad, 4:00 apple…blah, blah, blah.  Instead, I would find a reason I needed 2:00 popcorn or Cheetos.

SO tired of the blah, blah, blah I’d say to myself each night – “Tomorrow will be different – I’ll eat this, and not that, and maybe by X/XX/XX, I can lose 10 pounds.”  Tired of my own voice going onandonandon about what I wouldn’t eat, will eat, should eat, shouldn’t eat.  At a certain point, I just can’t take it anymore.

At a certain point, you have to ask yourself who you are kidding.

But the really scary part was this: what in the hell could I do differently THIS Monday to make sure I didn’t have that same, old, exhausting experience yet again?  I didn’t have the answer.  It was, and is, a very powerless feeling.

The only thing I could think of was to send myself an email, which started out with me asking myself what I could do differently.  The answer I came up with was to post on my blog – to write a very honest, heartfelt post.   I’ve neglected doing this for a very long time.

Back in January, I thought about starting up again, but talked myself out of it, telling myself that I just say the same old crap over and over, and who wants to hear it, and it must just get really tiresome.  Who wants to read about me having the same struggles again and again?

Then, a couple of days ago I realized, that I’M the one who is tired of it, because it’s in my head 24/7.  It really does consume me [yes, it is an ironic choice of words] these thoughts of food and eating.  Not long ago, someone told me about a woman who was a gambling addict, who thought about gambling every moment of the day.  And, I thought, “That must be awful.”  Then I realized, I knew from experience that it IS awful…thinking about something all the time that you can’t turn off.

The thing is I need the blog.  As much as I may be afraid to be THIS exposed, or that someone will get tired of my words, I need the accountability and the honesty.  Because, it’s too easy to convince myself I don’t have a problem; that I’m just like everyone else. I’m not.  The blog helps me keep my eyes open.

Today was a good day.  That’s all.  I’m pleased that it WAS a good day, but I don’t trust tomorrow.  I don’t know how it will be, and quite frankly, that does scare me.  For now, this is what I know to do…write.  Hopefully tomorrow, I can figure out what I’m supposed to do then, because right now, I really don’t know…