Last night as I was lying in bed, I realized…

5 Mar

I was feeling scared.  Scared to face the morning…scared of yet another Monday when I had a plan [devised the night before] to get back on the weight loss program – A plan that, like so many times in the past would be shot to shit by 3:00 p.m.

SO convinced I was tired of feeling full at bedtime, tired of the food highs and lows, ready with a day’s food plan – 9:00 oatmeal, 12:30 salad, 4:00 apple…blah, blah, blah.  Instead, I would find a reason I needed 2:00 popcorn or Cheetos.

SO tired of the blah, blah, blah I’d say to myself each night – “Tomorrow will be different – I’ll eat this, and not that, and maybe by X/XX/XX, I can lose 10 pounds.”  Tired of my own voice going onandonandon about what I wouldn’t eat, will eat, should eat, shouldn’t eat.  At a certain point, I just can’t take it anymore.

At a certain point, you have to ask yourself who you are kidding.

But the really scary part was this: what in the hell could I do differently THIS Monday to make sure I didn’t have that same, old, exhausting experience yet again?  I didn’t have the answer.  It was, and is, a very powerless feeling.

The only thing I could think of was to send myself an email, which started out with me asking myself what I could do differently.  The answer I came up with was to post on my blog – to write a very honest, heartfelt post.   I’ve neglected doing this for a very long time.

Back in January, I thought about starting up again, but talked myself out of it, telling myself that I just say the same old crap over and over, and who wants to hear it, and it must just get really tiresome.  Who wants to read about me having the same struggles again and again?

Then, a couple of days ago I realized, that I’M the one who is tired of it, because it’s in my head 24/7.  It really does consume me [yes, it is an ironic choice of words] these thoughts of food and eating.  Not long ago, someone told me about a woman who was a gambling addict, who thought about gambling every moment of the day.  And, I thought, “That must be awful.”  Then I realized, I knew from experience that it IS awful…thinking about something all the time that you can’t turn off.

The thing is I need the blog.  As much as I may be afraid to be THIS exposed, or that someone will get tired of my words, I need the accountability and the honesty.  Because, it’s too easy to convince myself I don’t have a problem; that I’m just like everyone else. I’m not.  The blog helps me keep my eyes open.

Today was a good day.  That’s all.  I’m pleased that it WAS a good day, but I don’t trust tomorrow.  I don’t know how it will be, and quite frankly, that does scare me.  For now, this is what I know to do…write.  Hopefully tomorrow, I can figure out what I’m supposed to do then, because right now, I really don’t know…

7 Responses to “Last night as I was lying in bed, I realized…”

  1. Diane March 5, 2013 at 7:07 am #

    Kendall, what a huge pleasure it was to see this post. This brave, honest, vulnerable, articulate person is the “you” I know and love. Whatever your next step is doesn’t matter so much because of the step you just took. I can’t say how proud I am to know someone with such grace and humility. Good for you, you rock!

    • Kendall March 5, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

      I read this last night right before turning out the light, and it brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for your comments, dear friend.

  2. hemelj March 5, 2013 at 10:57 am #

    Kendall, you ask WHO wants to read about your struggles? We who care about you and want you to succeed. I admire that you are honest with yourself, you reveal your struggle, and you continue to become better (?), wiser(?), stronger(?), and to show me and the rest of the world how it’s done. Love you!

    • Kendall March 5, 2013 at 4:47 pm #

      Thanks for being such a good friend and for your loving friendship.

  3. Kendra March 5, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

    So refreshing to see a person be so open and vulnerable. Good for you woman! Stay strong! Love u

    • Kendall March 5, 2013 at 4:47 pm #

      Thanks! Your support is much appreciated.

  4. moobabes March 5, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

    Hey K, I was going to call you yesterday, so glad I didn’t. I loved reading your post this morning, it really let me know where you are. Love that you’re speaking up/out for yourself. I’m always struck by how much we try (struggle) to do things by ourselves, when really, I don’t think we’re meant to go it alone. You have a band of sisters behind you. Much love.
    And I will call you this week. xo.

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