Archive | May, 2013

A psychology 101 cliche…

16 May

soooo, I was at the library this afternoon (where I went to work instead of Symposium coffee shop because I didn’t trust that I could go there and not order a piece of cake or a scone) working and feeling depressed and crappy, which is pretty much how I have felt all day.

It started while I was making granola at 7:00 a.m., thinking that I was probably going to be in the way around 7:30 while Tom was making his breakfast and lunch for work.  At one point, while I was stirring the granola and shifting the pans from one rack to the other, he said, ‘Ummm, helloooooooo’ [clearly the code phrase for ‘you are so in my wayyyyyyy’] to which I barked, ‘I was trying to get it done so you could take some for breakfast; excuooooo-ooo-ooz me’ (ala Steve Martin).  Followed by, ‘I knew you’d complain.’  Oh dear – snarky, snarky start.  Poor Tom.

I wasn’t able to shake off my mood.  I didn’t go to Zumba (because that was something I could get away with without breaking my promise of last week), and instead took a nap.  A cartoon cloud followed me, and I was irritable.  Should I go to knitting class?  Should I stay home?  If I stay home, we really have nothing good to watch on TV.  Maybe I should go to a movie.  Very, very unsettled.

Sometime between leaving the library and having dinner, I realized just what was causing this pitiful mood.  I am seriously PISSED OFF that I have to NOT eat popcorn and Cheetos and sweets this week, because last week I asked people to be my village.  So, I HAVE to do it and I sersiously do NOT want to.  I’m really angry, and – do we know what anger turned inward is [according to Freud]? Yes, that’s right – depression.

I am so annoyed that I can’t just do what I want because I’ve asked for help and, for all intents and purposes, made a commitment to change my behavior this week.  UGH! SHIT! Phhhhht!  It’s embarrassing when I think that I’m mad because I can’t have frozen yogurt or popcorn.  It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?  Considering all the problems in the world – it’s even more embarrassing.

But, I didn’t make these feelings up.  There they sit – and as I told a friend this weekend about another subject entirely, the feelings are going to be there whether I address them or not.  I can either choose to stay miserable, or face my shame and fear and try dealing with it.  Of course, this brings up the internal toddler foot stomp, “But I don’t WANT to do it. You are NOT the boss of me.”  These feelings suck – I hate them, they are mine and I guess I need to own them all the same.

So, what now?  I don’t really know yet. A hope and a prayer for a better tomorrow would be a good start…

Eat less dinner…

15 May

this is one of my goals for today.  Yesterday, I managed to skip the delicious shortbread cookies at Jola Cafe, but then had too much dinner.  Tom made a new recipe which involved tortilla chips, and I had too many.  I think part of the problem is, I’m trying to ‘fake it ’til I make it’ right now.  Translation – I don’t REALLY feel like commiting to eating less, and giving up nightly desserts, but know I should AND said last week in my blog that I would.

Today I’m feeling low energy and a bit ‘meh’ – big contrast to yesterday when I felt great.  Oh yeah, emotions, like everything in life, change, don’t they?  Well, the fact that this is a bit of a ‘so-so’ day, means the temptation to eat something wonderfully salty and crunchy is high.  So, I’m making a commitment NOT to do that today.

I made some yummy granola first thing this morning, so breakfast was GREAT – fresh strawberries, Fage, granola…

Lunch will be smoked chicken, fresh pineapple, and maybe a small salad (our barrels of salad greens are so ready to be picked)

Snack: laughing cow and gluten free crackers

Dinner: chinese chicken salad

After dinner: Starbucks latte

I’m also trying VERY hard to get myself to go to ‘old lady’ Zumba at 1:30 today…if you’ve got a minute, send me a few ‘get off your butt’ thoughts…

Just like starting over…

10 May

Somehow I don’t think John Lennon had this blog post in mind when he wrote that lyric.

But, that is indeed how I feel – again!

I wish I had something new to say, but I feel like I keep saying and doing the same things over and over.  What is that definition of insanity again?  Uh huh…I keep detoxing, and starting on a healthy eating plan, which lasts for about a week or so, and then I just…don’t anymore.  A vacation comes up, or a business trip, or something else I can use as a convenient excuse for throwing caution to the wind.

I’m struggling again with confidence, having gained back several of the 30 pounds I lost last year.  I’m scared of creeping back into all the lost weight- not only the pounds, but the psychological impact of TRULY staring over – from zero.

I just can’t seem to get it through my tiny pinhead that the rules DO apply to me, and that I can’t make the ‘bad’ food choices I’ve been making and still lose weight.  I don’t know why the hell that won’t work, but, ‘studies have shown’ it does not.

So, my big plan to get back on track next week is to ask you all to begin your own ‘thing’ with me.  I’ve never been really good at asking for help – but, today I am doing it.  Maybe you don’t want to or need to lose weight.  Maybe you want to give up sugar, or an extra helping at dinner – OR maybe there is something you do every day (glass of wine, scone [you  know who you are]), that you could give up for a week or two in solidarity with me as I (once again) detox from sugar and get back to a healthy eating plan.  (I guess I will ACTUALLY start on Sunday, as I have to give up solid foods for a Monday colonoscopy.)  Another idea is, maybe you’ve been trying to get yourself to walk 3 days a week – this could be the time to start.

If you feel so inclined, write to me and let me know what you might like to commit to for the next week or two so I can have a ‘village’ around me for support.  We can even email or text about our progress (or frustrations) during the week if you wish.

The ‘bad’ thing about starting over is I feel like all the other times, I’ve tried and failed.  The GOOD thing is each new start is an opportunity for success – a chance for what I am doing to really stick this time.


would you like to join me?