A psychology 101 cliche…

16 May

soooo, I was at the library this afternoon (where I went to work instead of Symposium coffee shop because I didn’t trust that I could go there and not order a piece of cake or a scone) working and feeling depressed and crappy, which is pretty much how I have felt all day.

It started while I was making granola at 7:00 a.m., thinking that I was probably going to be in the way around 7:30 while Tom was making his breakfast and lunch for work.  At one point, while I was stirring the granola and shifting the pans from one rack to the other, he said, ‘Ummm, helloooooooo’ [clearly the code phrase for ‘you are so in my wayyyyyyy’] to which I barked, ‘I was trying to get it done so you could take some for breakfast; excuooooo-ooo-ooz me’ (ala Steve Martin).  Followed by, ‘I knew you’d complain.’  Oh dear – snarky, snarky start.  Poor Tom.

I wasn’t able to shake off my mood.  I didn’t go to Zumba (because that was something I could get away with without breaking my promise of last week), and instead took a nap.  A cartoon cloud followed me, and I was irritable.  Should I go to knitting class?  Should I stay home?  If I stay home, we really have nothing good to watch on TV.  Maybe I should go to a movie.  Very, very unsettled.

Sometime between leaving the library and having dinner, I realized just what was causing this pitiful mood.  I am seriously PISSED OFF that I have to NOT eat popcorn and Cheetos and sweets this week, because last week I asked people to be my village.  So, I HAVE to do it and I sersiously do NOT want to.  I’m really angry, and – do we know what anger turned inward is [according to Freud]? Yes, that’s right – depression.

I am so annoyed that I can’t just do what I want because I’ve asked for help and, for all intents and purposes, made a commitment to change my behavior this week.  UGH! SHIT! Phhhhht!  It’s embarrassing when I think that I’m mad because I can’t have frozen yogurt or popcorn.  It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?  Considering all the problems in the world – it’s even more embarrassing.

But, I didn’t make these feelings up.  There they sit – and as I told a friend this weekend about another subject entirely, the feelings are going to be there whether I address them or not.  I can either choose to stay miserable, or face my shame and fear and try dealing with it.  Of course, this brings up the internal toddler foot stomp, “But I don’t WANT to do it. You are NOT the boss of me.”  These feelings suck – I hate them, they are mine and I guess I need to own them all the same.

So, what now?  I don’t really know yet. A hope and a prayer for a better tomorrow would be a good start…

2 Responses to “A psychology 101 cliche…”

  1. Diane May 16, 2013 at 3:41 am #

    Hang in there! It gets easier! And the good news is that no matter how lousy you felt, how angry and depressed and unsettled, you did NOT go into your default mode, you did NOT slip, you stayed the course and you got to dump some of your feelings in the blog and that is good, good work!!! Pat on the back and 10 attagirls for you! (It’s not as tasty as popcorn, but the aftereffects are much kinder.) XOOOX

  2. Carol May 17, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

    Stay strong Kendall!

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