Archive | September, 2013

How many ‘do overs’ do you think we get?

20 Sep

I found a quote from musician Steve Earle that I’m choosing to adopt – Every day on Earth is another chance to get it right.”  It eases the stress and guilt a little bit…a LITTLE bit.

Here’s another question – how can someone who has such a great life and amazing blessings feel so unhappy?  The answer I keep coming back to is this – I’m unhappy with myself, inside and out. This is a very heavy monkey to carry around on one’s back – like maybe a few gazillion tons.

Today is a hard day.  I’ve been crying and am close to tears now.  This food-addiction, compulsive eating place I live in is exhausting – K-F*KD radio is on all the time, and it’s LOUD (with static)!  I think part of the reason I’m so emotional is that change is in the wind, and it unsettles me…

I’m about to embark on an 8-week breakthrough nutrition and exercise coaching program through Flourish http://www.iamflourish.com/ “…a group of coaches who guide you and teach you, using our unique philosophy in nutrition and fitness.”  The program was recommended by my therapist, and so far, Julie, the founder, has been great.

It’s really hard to articulate all of my feelings about the prospect of change – they feel way too big to fit into this blog (somewhat reflective of how I often feel too big to fit in).  It’s exciting, scary, and hard to believe it will work for ME.  You know, like, ‘Well, I KNOW everyone ELSE goes under with anesthesia, but what if I’m the ONE PERSON on whom it will not work?  What if I’m one of the few people who feels EVERY single excruciating cut of the scalpel during surgery?’

Which also kind of makes me think about self-sabotage.  The one thing in my favor there is that, I’m paying for this program, and I do like to get my money’s worth out of things.  I’m also a people pleaser, and I’m sure my clever little brain can turn this into showing off for someone. I’d prefer I do it for myself, and I want that to be my goal.

Here’s the tricky part – The program starts on Monday, when I will be on vacation in Sonoma and Napa (nine days of vacation)…this causes me anxiety (see above statement about money’s worth).  But, that’s only a small part of it.  The other part is, I’m so good at the guilt (see above K-F*KD radio reference), and I think it’s going to be tough – feeling like I’m ‘cheating’ or not doing what I ‘should’!  Julie has offered to be in touch with me via email during my trip, and I’m so thankful for that!

My plan is to make some good choices, and to exercise pretty much daily.  Fortunately, a friend who will be on vacation with us also wants to exercise – we actually did some exercises in Europe last year – so very ‘unlike’ me.

I’m so stuck on one particular image of myself (lazy, fat, the biggest person in XYZ group – I CANNOT watch myself in the mirror at Zumba), that it is hard to think about a new self-image.  But, I must!  It is crucial to my happiness.  I’m quite sure the Flourish program will help with this.  I’m also pretty sure, that once I start losing weight, feeling more energetic, confident and strong, I’ll feel happier.

I need to find a way to see myself in a different light – different from the strangely negative light I reserve just for myself.  I try to think about talking to myself the way I’d speak to a little child – caring, loving, gentle.  It just doesn’t last very long.  I do it for a day or two then ‘forget.’ 

Resurrecting the blog will be key to my success.

So, here’s to a new kind of journey – a new image of myself, to change, to some self-care and love, to NOT doing it alone…and tuning in to a new inner radio station.

Tomorrow night in Healdsburg, I shall raise a glass to this program, to change and as hard as it will be, to myself!  What? You didn’t think I’d give up wine did you?  After all….it IS a ‘sometimes’ choice on the Flourish program…Julie said I could!