How many ‘do overs’ do you think we get?

20 Sep

I found a quote from musician Steve Earle that I’m choosing to adopt – Every day on Earth is another chance to get it right.”  It eases the stress and guilt a little bit…a LITTLE bit.

Here’s another question – how can someone who has such a great life and amazing blessings feel so unhappy?  The answer I keep coming back to is this – I’m unhappy with myself, inside and out. This is a very heavy monkey to carry around on one’s back – like maybe a few gazillion tons.

Today is a hard day.  I’ve been crying and am close to tears now.  This food-addiction, compulsive eating place I live in is exhausting – K-F*KD radio is on all the time, and it’s LOUD (with static)!  I think part of the reason I’m so emotional is that change is in the wind, and it unsettles me…

I’m about to embark on an 8-week breakthrough nutrition and exercise coaching program through Flourish “…a group of coaches who guide you and teach you, using our unique philosophy in nutrition and fitness.”  The program was recommended by my therapist, and so far, Julie, the founder, has been great.

It’s really hard to articulate all of my feelings about the prospect of change – they feel way too big to fit into this blog (somewhat reflective of how I often feel too big to fit in).  It’s exciting, scary, and hard to believe it will work for ME.  You know, like, ‘Well, I KNOW everyone ELSE goes under with anesthesia, but what if I’m the ONE PERSON on whom it will not work?  What if I’m one of the few people who feels EVERY single excruciating cut of the scalpel during surgery?’

Which also kind of makes me think about self-sabotage.  The one thing in my favor there is that, I’m paying for this program, and I do like to get my money’s worth out of things.  I’m also a people pleaser, and I’m sure my clever little brain can turn this into showing off for someone. I’d prefer I do it for myself, and I want that to be my goal.

Here’s the tricky part – The program starts on Monday, when I will be on vacation in Sonoma and Napa (nine days of vacation)…this causes me anxiety (see above statement about money’s worth).  But, that’s only a small part of it.  The other part is, I’m so good at the guilt (see above K-F*KD radio reference), and I think it’s going to be tough – feeling like I’m ‘cheating’ or not doing what I ‘should’!  Julie has offered to be in touch with me via email during my trip, and I’m so thankful for that!

My plan is to make some good choices, and to exercise pretty much daily.  Fortunately, a friend who will be on vacation with us also wants to exercise – we actually did some exercises in Europe last year – so very ‘unlike’ me.

I’m so stuck on one particular image of myself (lazy, fat, the biggest person in XYZ group – I CANNOT watch myself in the mirror at Zumba), that it is hard to think about a new self-image.  But, I must!  It is crucial to my happiness.  I’m quite sure the Flourish program will help with this.  I’m also pretty sure, that once I start losing weight, feeling more energetic, confident and strong, I’ll feel happier.

I need to find a way to see myself in a different light – different from the strangely negative light I reserve just for myself.  I try to think about talking to myself the way I’d speak to a little child – caring, loving, gentle.  It just doesn’t last very long.  I do it for a day or two then ‘forget.’ 

Resurrecting the blog will be key to my success.

So, here’s to a new kind of journey – a new image of myself, to change, to some self-care and love, to NOT doing it alone…and tuning in to a new inner radio station.

Tomorrow night in Healdsburg, I shall raise a glass to this program, to change and as hard as it will be, to myself!  What? You didn’t think I’d give up wine did you?  After all….it IS a ‘sometimes’ choice on the Flourish program…Julie said I could!

6 Responses to “How many ‘do overs’ do you think we get?”

  1. Diane September 21, 2013 at 2:02 am #

    You’re brave and beautiful, Kendall. You’re also so right that nobody is as harsh to us as we are to ourselves. I was literally watching a Zumba class the other day and thinking that you would probably be one of the best dancers and I would love to see your moves. I hope you your new journey takes you to a place where you feel accepting …ack, I feel I ‘m just not saying what I mean except that your vulnerability is so raw and powerful in what you wrote and the fact that you’reTHERE just blows me away. Feel those wonderful Napa feelings while you’re away and i love you and I’m with you! Love and hugs, Diane

    • Sandi September 21, 2013 at 4:16 pm #

      We lead with our bodies….we dress ourselves, do our hair, our face, select just the right shoe and bag and walk out the door….we select our ride, an extension of us and we go public.
      Here’s what happens when I meet someone for the first time. I look at the person completely and instantly there’s a judgment of some type. She’s tall (always for me) she’s loves purple, she has beautiful skin, she has style, her nails are perfect, she’s skinny, she’s just right, she’s big.
      IF I am lucky enough to connect with a person who is smart and sassy, who I feel I can have a “connection” with, then as the veil of newness drops away I only see the essence of that person. Bodies disappear. Color disappears. Age doesn’t matter.

      Kendall YOU is all I see…. curious and kind, with good judgment, totally equipped to deal with any situation, loves her husband, loves her family, loves her dog and cares for everyone equally. Loyal and compassionate, a true friend, travels with ease, will cook or bake any recipe without fear and SINGS!

      once someone caught me stuck in a rut and I took her professional advice….change up as much as you can and do it now: for me that included changing hairdresser. dentist, and style of dressing ( I didn’t exactly immediately start dressing my age, however, I moved away from shopping in the same stores as my daughter :), heck I even changed my therapist!

      and she advised dig into life, do something new, let go of perfection and enjoy
      a class (Thai Cooking), a language (beginners French (well, again) teach (middle school kids how to cook and bake)
      by starting something you never dreamed you would do.. and finding joy and sticking with it until you are accomplished, and do this by listening to your heart …funny thing, doubt leaves town and confidence seeps into all those nooks and crannies.

      You are on the road to your next Kendall. Kick up some dirt, break some mirrors and play.
      Happy your brought back your blog. Happy you are off drinking the tonic of travel and I know you will flourish. Love, Sandi

      • Kendall September 25, 2013 at 6:23 am #

        Thanks Sandi! Great perspective and suggestions. I appreciate so much hearing how you see me. Xoxo

    • Kendall September 25, 2013 at 6:20 am #

      Thank you so for your loving comments Diane. I love you!

  2. Selena September 21, 2013 at 5:26 pm #

    Kendall, you write so beautifully and so honestly. Let me tell you that self-sabotage is really your brain trying to keep you feeling loved and ‘safe.’ Change IS scary and your brain has a hard time computing change as anything more than a threat. Ask yourself a couple of questions:

    1. What am I afraid I may lose or leave behind if I make this change? Who am I afraid I will negatively affect? examples: fitting in with friends (aka going out/socializing/eating what they eat), an identity that you’ve know for so long, or a routine that has made you comfortable for years.

    2. If I make this change what will have THAT do for me? — take this questions deeper with your answers until you reach the EMOTION that should be the prime motivator. Ex: having more energy — could lead to: keeping up with my work/friends/etc — could lead to: finally feeling like I am good enough to be with those people/circumstances/etc

    I hope this helps 😉 Julie is an awesome coach and I myself have lots of experience is mind transformation. Between the two of us, you will feel loved and supported every step of the way.

    Have a great trip…and a fantastic 8 week journey.

    Coach Selena – Flourish

    PS – I had surgery last December and I thought those EXACT SAME THINGS! My boyfriend thought I was crazy…and I was dead serious petrified! 😉

  3. Kendall September 25, 2013 at 6:27 am #

    Thank you Selena. I think it would be really helpful to journal about what you mention here. Thanks for your feedback. It always helps to be reminded that I’m not alone.sometimes I think the part of me that needs to hear that is bottomless

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