Rough morning…

2 Oct

I was tempted to title this ‘rough day’, but the truth is, the morning was crap, but the rest of the day wasn’t all bad.

I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning.  It felt so warm, cozy and safe in there.  I was NOT ready to face the day or any responsibilities.  Somehow it feels that everything will be okay if I just stay in bed.  Before I even got up, I reached for my Kindle and emailed Julie to simply say, I can’t get out of bed.  Ten minutes or so later, I was up and managed to do my required (less than) 5 minutes of strengthening exercises.

I realized that, typically, when I feel like I can’t get up, I at LEAST have some sort of yummy, comfort-y food I can look forward to eating, which, sadly, can help me get my ass out of bed.  (Never had I been so in touch with that fact until this morning when I noticed its absence.) Then I have my FOOD friends to look forward to.  But, I didn’t have that.  I didn’t even have my C O F F E E because it kind of sucks with that crappy coconut creamer I thought would work in place of half and half.  I love strong coffee with rich cream.  F*ck!

I received a nice reply from Julie, and I started to cry.   I realize I was crying for three reasons – 1) Since I’m not covering up the emotions with food, they are closer to the surface.  (duh!)  2) I feel like Linus who has had his blanket taken away.  Or maybe Samson with a haircut.  3) Having someone say, “I know how you feel” made ME feel less ashamed for having days when I can’t get out of bed.  It feels weak and lazy.

I wish I was one of those people who, when they get bored or stressed, became a house-cleaning Ninja.  But, I’m not and it makes me feel badly about myself.  I’m tired of whipping myself for these things.

The good news is, the day wasn’t all bad.  I made myself a delicious, and comforting (very important today) breakfast, got some work projects done, and stuck to my food plan.  On the down/punish-y side, I didn’t walk my dog, and he really needs/likes his walk every day.  I feel badly about that – badly enough to walk him now? Not sure yet.

So, here I sit – in the middle of my emotional goo – which I usually try to avoid with Cheetos, popcorn, cheese…and I don’t much like how it feels…it’s stuck all over the bottom of my shoes, and I can’t seem to get it off. It’s like some kind of bubble-gummy tar business.  But, I guess it’s a part of the process and I have to get through it.  The emotions will be there whether I deal with them consciously or not. (duh!)

I get to go sing tonight, which my ‘whiney-stay-in-bed-self’ kind of thinks she doesn’t want to do.  BUT, I know once I get to rehearsal, it will be a bunch of fun.

I sure hope tomorrow morning is easier…

2 Responses to “Rough morning…”

  1. Jeanine Hemel October 3, 2013 at 12:15 am #

    Ken-girl – I am not that person, either. (In fact, where is she?) I saw a three-legged dog today, and I thought, “That dog doesn’t say – damn, wish I had that other leg so I could walk faster!” He just knows his goal is ‘over there’ and he’s ‘over here,’ so he gets at it and goes in spite of his lack of perfection. That should have been inspirational, right? Still staring at the work that I can do, but just WON’T.

  2. carol October 3, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

    I think it will get easier each day, Kendall! You’re doing great.

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