Anti-hero

13 Oct

Yesterday, as I was thinking about updating those of you in my blog-iverse, (and journal for myself) I knew EXACTLY what I’d write about.  I was excited, too.  My folks and sister were coming over for dinner, and we were making some things that are NOT on my food list.  This included making my dad some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.  I thought, I will get through this culinary challenge without letting even the smallest sweet crumb of dough cross my lips.

And, I did it!  I imagined writing that I was some new kind of SUPERHERO – impervious to chocolate chips, mashed potatoes (which we also made, and I did not have).  Able to leap food temptations in a single bound.

Instead, I’m overwhelmed by a big giant knot of emotions that have me feeling crazy.  It feels like way too much for me to handle.  It’s like when your computer gets a virus and opens window-after-window-after-window, and you can’t make it stop, except to turn the whole damn machine off!

Unfortunately, it seems the less I eat, the more I feel.  I had no earthly idea all the feelings I was covering up with my ‘too-much’ and binge-y foods.  I’m unsettled and highly irritable, and worry I’ll lash out at people and say things I’ll regret.  Like I CAN’T control myself.  Like being at the top of the Space Needle thinking I’m going to accidentally jump.  Of course I don’t WANT to jump, I truly don’t.  But, it’s like, well what if I do anyways, without any choice of my own.  I mean no disrespect, but it feels like emotional Tourette’s. 

I feel like anything but a superhero.

I’m in a whirlpool and headed straight toward the falls.  I don’t know what to do with all of it.  Yes, breathing is good, but it’s not enough.  I don’t like how I feel.

There is some good news – I don’t seem to be thinking about what I can eat to make this go away.  However, I VERY much want it to stop. 

I noticed last week that somehow I feel I have less control over my life without my emotional eating – n worried I’d forget to do something for a client.  Before, my ‘to do’ lists were more than adequate.  I felt that if I wrote it down, it was as good as handled.  I don’t feel that now.  It’s like there are things I may be forgetting, and they could be floating out of my grasp like those damned Three Musketeers Bars on TV.  I won’t be able to reach them – they’ll get missed and I’ll perform my jobs poorly.

I thought not eating certain foods would be the big challenge.  No – this is the hard shit – being with these feelings I don’t want to have, worrying that maybe I’m going to turn into someone I don’t like.  That the people who love me aren’t going to like or want to be around me as I get thinner and bitchier.  Maybe I’ve been a ‘mean girl’ all along, but the Cheetos, popcorn, ice cream have taken the edge off and helped me be nice.

I very clearly remember a time in my life when I thought I’d never find a partner who loved me, because if they REALLY saw all of the scabby, scar-ish parts, they’d hightail it in the opposite direction Roadrunner style.  When I think about that time, it seems like irrational thinking.  And, though my brain is telling me it still is, emotionally, it seems like a serious possibility.

I’m less than happy with these developments – and I know I won’t feel this way forever.  But, while I am feeling it – it SUCKS!  I don’t really know what to do except reach out to my therapist, blog, and be honest about it.  It’s hard for me to have a conversation about it – but easier to spill here. 

Here I go again, wondering why things can’t just be easy.  I’m beginning to see more and more every day, THAT just isn’t going to happen.  It’s not the way life works…at least not if you really, truly want to live it, and maybe one day take your cape and tights out of that space-saver bag sitting way back in the corner under the bed…

4 Responses to “Anti-hero”

  1. Diane October 13, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

    Wow. Wow. Wow. The first thing that comes to mind is how incredibly brave you are. The second thing is that withdrawal SUCKS–it’s like the devil tempting Jesus in the desert. “You can make all this pain go away, just like that….”) The third thing is what a fantastic writer you are, able to pin your emotions down and communicate it so beautifully–which sounds weird, but I truly FEEL your pain. And the most important thing is how WRONG you are that covering up makes you think you’re more lovable. I see just the opposite–the more real you are, the more connected I feel to you. So, good for you for letting yourself stretch and get through this. Go, girl!!!! Love you big.

    • Kendall October 13, 2013 at 10:59 pm #

      SO thankful you are a part of my life. Love you!

  2. Carol October 14, 2013 at 3:11 am #

    Hi Kendall, bravo for being so strong! I’m sorry you are having all these uncomfortable emotions….maybe they are there because this is all new to you and you aren’t comfortable with this new “behavior” yet. Maybe this gorgeous weather coming this week, and getting outside to walk will have you feeling better 🙂 You’re in my thoughts!!!

    • Kendall October 14, 2013 at 5:09 am #

      Thank you Carol! I love knowing you are on my side and I’m in your thoughts…xoxo

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