Archive | November, 2013

Why do some commitments stick…

30 Nov

while others do not?

Last Thursday (the one BEFORE Thanksgiving), I made a commitment to Coach Julie that I would stick to the Flourish eating program until we had our Thanksgiving meal, today (with a few caveats like, drinking coffee with cream, a few grains here and there, etc.).  When I made that commitment, I didn’t really feel it in my bones.  I was looking forward to having some things I hadn’t had in 7 weeks.  I primarily wanted to please Julie, because I am a HUGE people pleaser.  And, how can you say ‘no’ when someone asks you to make a commitment?  I mean, I did it for 7 weeks.   I also HOPED I could do it, which is not really the same as committing.  And, for a couple of days, it worked.

Then it didn’t…

I had oatmeal, some cheese, gluten free toast, and last night, we went to Paley’s Imperial which was a blowout.  I paid for it in the wee hours with some indigestion and a couple of hours of sleeplessness.  I started the evening with a cocktail (a Harlequin with aperol and bubbles – delish), then we had wine (allowed on Flourish in moderation), then it was time for dinner.

We brought a bottle of Domaine Serene, 2005 Mark Bradford with us, and the wine buyer came over to say ‘hi’.  We gave him and our server a taste, which they loved.  This inspired all sorts of fun, special treatment  – including a gift of the appetizer ‘steak and eggs’, elk tongue with a duck egg.  After our kale salad with goat cheese dressing and our entrees, (quail for me and pork for Tom), and after declining dessert (I was trying to wait until today) they brought us a cheese and honey plate AND a tin of their homemade cookies to take home. OH MY!

This sounds more like a restaurant review, but my points are a) I LOVE great food, and b) I was reminded how this rich food can affect my body.   It’s not a good feeling – and as fun as it is to eat this way, I know all too well what the long-term results of that would be – and they don’t make me a happy gal.  I was really looking forward to my Zumba class this morning, which was —  C A N C E L L E D!  At least, I thought I could sweat some of that physical, internal pummeling feeling away.

So, while I did not do a good job at living up to the commitment I made to Julie, I need to make a new commitment to myself – today, being our Thanksgiving celebration – I will eat a helping of everything and not go back for seconds.  This is actually, the Part A of my pact with myself.  The bigger one, and much more important to me is, agreeing to go right back on my Flourish-ish eating plan.

I would like to say I will do this by tomorrow, but I’d really like to allow myself a turkey or ham sandwich.  By Monday, I will be back to my modified Flourish (adding in beans, legumes, and some grains – which are not on the Flourish 8-week plan) program.

So far, I’ve lost 20 LBs (8 LBs of fat) with the help of Flourish, and it feels great.  Little things, like being more comfortable crossing my legs are big to me.  Buying new clothes is great.  I’d really like to lose 5 more LBs by Christmas (and I’m going to finagle my husband into doing so as well).

So, these are my commitments and goals.  I’m feeling good about them – they seem doable.

Change is good, right?  Of course, so are roasted chanterelle mushrooms with bone marrow and garlic (I know, right?)– but, considering the latter makes me feel crummy like shit, it seems those things should be had in SERIOUS moderation!

Looking back…

12 Nov

I decided I needed to look at my food and weight log from when I started my 50 by fifty journey/quest to see how much I’ve lost all together.

So, I started the blog and plan in the middle of September two years ago, and with the weight I just lost during the Flourish program, it’s a total of 35 LBs lost!  That is pretty dang groovy.  I have more than 35 more LBs to lose to reach my ultimate goal, but it’s a HUGE (ha) start.

Sometimes it’s good to look back, as long as you keep moving forward!

P.S. Speaking of Flourish, this is the 8th and final week.  Next week’s 6:00 a.m. conference call includes and friends and family ‘segment’ which means we can invite people to listen in and see what the participants have accomplished during the program.  So, loved ones, any of you who would like to join in on the call a week from today (Monday) at 6:00 a.m. and learn about our successes, let me know.  I will just need a count for Julie so she has the right technology in place…

Why such a Crabby Abby today?

11 Nov

Even some things that are sweet are irritating me.  It could be hormones…I think menopause has begun, though today I did get my period.  It could be because I woke up at 4:00 a.m.  A poor night’s sleep can really do me in.  And, in the past, being tired has made me want to eat and eat.

It could be that I ate a few too many tamari pumpkin seeds this morning, which, I know can make my tummy feel less than happy.  I think it has become my current ‘numb out’ snack food.  It IS on the food list.  Even though it isn’t a surprise, I’m a bit upset that I still have the ‘snack attack’ mentality.  I’m not sure why, it’s an addictive behavior…

I also have a meeting this afternoon that I DON’T want to attend.  Not because of the meeting, but because I don’t feel like being THAT responsible today.  I’d rather be at the casino, which, I think is becoming a wee bit of a problem.  The desire for more, checking out, perhaps?

I’ve noticed that when I’m on a ‘healthy food plan’ and losing weight, suddenly what I want to do is gamble.  Hmmm….could this be like the heroin addict becoming an overeater?  You give up your drug, but that gene is still there that convinces us we still want to do something with wild abandon.

I decided to go to a local pub last week for some video poker, and ended up leaving being really mad at myself that a) I lost money, and b) (not for the first time) thought that somehow it would fulfill me.  Of course, I also had the delusion I might win a little money.  It didn’t work.  I had ‘buyer’s remorse’ immediately after.  And, since I couldn’t come home and ‘Cheeto-out’ over it, I felt the regret for much longer than I typically would have.  It felt very uncomfortable.  I wanted the feeling to ‘go deep’ and get buried with the countless other unpleasant feelings I’ve covered up over these many years.

I didn’t even tell my husband (sorry, honey) because I was ashamed.  And, I knew it wasn’t the financially responsible thing to do at the time.  I’ve got about $600 of doctor bills due right now.  For some reason, this is much harder to admit than my food addiction.  Perhaps because I thought I only had ‘one issue.’  I’m certainly not the ‘empty our bank account’ type.  But, I don’t think secret casino or pub trips are a good idea.  It seems I want something in my life that has no limits.  (And, this is the first time I am really getting that.  Silly me, I thought it was just food.)

We are headed to Vegas at Christmas and I’m way excited about that.  We always have such a great time, and have a special history of visiting there.  I think enjoying gambling in pairs is the way to go.

It’s strange, this sour feeling I have today, because yesterday I felt SO happy.  I know that feelings move and shift all the time.  I guess it’s just easy when feeling so good to hope it will last awhile.

So, I guess the main purpose of today’s blog is to confess, and to get out some of these feelings.  I can’t WAIT until my tummy feels better.

I also need to commit to walking my dog today…I have to leave the house by 2:15 and need to get him walked first.  Not really feeling like it, but the sun is out, and my little hound is starting to make his ‘subtle’ moaning sounds as if to say, “Come on, let’s get out there.  I’m BORED.  Let’s take some air.”

I’m also 50% committing to a 6:00 Zumba class, too…I bet I’d feel really good afterwards…

What-the-friggin’ f*ck is up?

5 Nov

Wouldn’t you think that by the beginning of week 7 of this Flourish program, my cooking/prepping, recording of my food, exercise, etc. would be running like clockwork?  I would, and I’m PISSED at myself that those old circling shark feelings are starting to resurface.  I swear, I’m actually hearing the doom music from ‘Jaws.’

For example – ‘oh, I’m too tired to log my daily food into loseit.com.  It’s a pain in the neck.  I don’t want to have to do this anymore.  I’m tired of so many vegetables…I can’t wait to have some couscous, or feta or whatever.’

It’s like my inner-Kiki really thought this would be over in 8 weeks, and things could be ‘easy’ once again.  The definition of these key words is interesting – why, dear, are you referring to the kind of ‘easy’ that means eating what you want, feeling like crap and not liking yourself very much?  You mean, THAT easy?  No dear, this is a lifestyle change.

I’ve lost a goodly amount of weight in these last 5-6 weeks, too.  I’m happy about that.  And yet – and yet?  I feel as though I might be turning onto ‘Now-it’s-time-to-sabotage-your- efforts’ Drive.  Why?  Because things are going well for a change?  And that’s not the map I am used to following.  I worry I truly feel I don’t deserve it.  I want to embrace this change, not just fake it until I make it.  (Of course, if I DO fake it for a bit, I may get back on ‘Embracing’ Lane.)

These feelings remind me of a shitty old boyfriend of mine, about whom, at the time I was crazy… hmmmm.  We’d be hanging out having a groovy time, and suddenly, he was uncomfortable with the LACK of drama, and would create some by picking a fight.  He just couldn’t handle a smooth boat ride.   It was very annoying.

It feels scary and crappy to think I could revert to my old way of thinking and being. And yet (again) I want a little less self-responsibility. Which isn’t how life works.

I think it’s a dangerous thing to say (or even THINK), ‘I can’t imagine EVER going back to my old ways.’  Sometimes, I think it’s actually the first step on the path TO the old ways.  It’s arrogant, naïve and, well, it serves no purpose.  I think that perhaps it’s better to be vigilant and realize that sometimes a guy with a trench coat lined with Lay’s products may be just around the next corner waiting to throw you off your game.  That way you can all boy scout about it and be prepared!

I don’t know that I actively thought ‘oh, I’d NEVER go back to eating junk’.   It’s more that I just hadn’t thought about it at all.  I didn’t prepare for the Cloudy with a Chance of Cheetos day.  I just thought, ‘Hey, I’ve got this.’  And, you know what?  I don’t ‘got it’.  Not at all.

There are going to still be stupid-head, sucky hard days when I think it may be time to throw in the towel.  But, I can’t.  I have to remember what it felt like before I started Flourish.  As much as I HATE the idea of quoting Dr. Phil, his “how’s that working for you so far?” is a really good question.

As Julie pointed out this morning, it’s one decision at a time.  And, I need to decide what I want to decide on next. (Gee, maybe the very next decision is the way to go. = ] ) I think perhaps it is to stick to my eating program tonight when I‘m with all my fab gals at girl’s night.

I want it to be easy.  Maybe I can just decide that it already is?