Why such a Crabby Abby today?

11 Nov

Even some things that are sweet are irritating me.  It could be hormones…I think menopause has begun, though today I did get my period.  It could be because I woke up at 4:00 a.m.  A poor night’s sleep can really do me in.  And, in the past, being tired has made me want to eat and eat.

It could be that I ate a few too many tamari pumpkin seeds this morning, which, I know can make my tummy feel less than happy.  I think it has become my current ‘numb out’ snack food.  It IS on the food list.  Even though it isn’t a surprise, I’m a bit upset that I still have the ‘snack attack’ mentality.  I’m not sure why, it’s an addictive behavior…

I also have a meeting this afternoon that I DON’T want to attend.  Not because of the meeting, but because I don’t feel like being THAT responsible today.  I’d rather be at the casino, which, I think is becoming a wee bit of a problem.  The desire for more, checking out, perhaps?

I’ve noticed that when I’m on a ‘healthy food plan’ and losing weight, suddenly what I want to do is gamble.  Hmmm….could this be like the heroin addict becoming an overeater?  You give up your drug, but that gene is still there that convinces us we still want to do something with wild abandon.

I decided to go to a local pub last week for some video poker, and ended up leaving being really mad at myself that a) I lost money, and b) (not for the first time) thought that somehow it would fulfill me.  Of course, I also had the delusion I might win a little money.  It didn’t work.  I had ‘buyer’s remorse’ immediately after.  And, since I couldn’t come home and ‘Cheeto-out’ over it, I felt the regret for much longer than I typically would have.  It felt very uncomfortable.  I wanted the feeling to ‘go deep’ and get buried with the countless other unpleasant feelings I’ve covered up over these many years.

I didn’t even tell my husband (sorry, honey) because I was ashamed.  And, I knew it wasn’t the financially responsible thing to do at the time.  I’ve got about $600 of doctor bills due right now.  For some reason, this is much harder to admit than my food addiction.  Perhaps because I thought I only had ‘one issue.’  I’m certainly not the ‘empty our bank account’ type.  But, I don’t think secret casino or pub trips are a good idea.  It seems I want something in my life that has no limits.  (And, this is the first time I am really getting that.  Silly me, I thought it was just food.)

We are headed to Vegas at Christmas and I’m way excited about that.  We always have such a great time, and have a special history of visiting there.  I think enjoying gambling in pairs is the way to go.

It’s strange, this sour feeling I have today, because yesterday I felt SO happy.  I know that feelings move and shift all the time.  I guess it’s just easy when feeling so good to hope it will last awhile.

So, I guess the main purpose of today’s blog is to confess, and to get out some of these feelings.  I can’t WAIT until my tummy feels better.

I also need to commit to walking my dog today…I have to leave the house by 2:15 and need to get him walked first.  Not really feeling like it, but the sun is out, and my little hound is starting to make his ‘subtle’ moaning sounds as if to say, “Come on, let’s get out there.  I’m BORED.  Let’s take some air.”

I’m also 50% committing to a 6:00 Zumba class, too…I bet I’d feel really good afterwards…

2 Responses to “Why such a Crabby Abby today?”

  1. Julie Hunter November 11, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

    Yay!!! We’re all f*ck ups!!! Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!

  2. Selena November 11, 2013 at 11:36 pm #

    Kendall, I can relate to that HOLE you feel. I was a sugar addict for so long. There is a huge addictive streak in my family, and I overdo many things: exercise, work, and sugar (used to).
    Being IN your feelings sucks. But the fact that you have this amazing creative outlet is fantastic. Maybe writing can be your ‘checking out’ and at the same time your ‘looking in.’
    You are totally inspiring me to reopen my personal blog and ‘write-it-out.’
    Thank you so much for sharing.

    PS – do you know where this longing for X comes from? Is it a pattern that started long ago? Do you remember exactly what it was? A feeling of security may have been breached at one time….
    no need to answer, just things to think about 🙂

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