Archive | January, 2014

Milestones, Commitments and Binges, Oh My…

30 Jan

Last week I hit a big milestone in my weight loss ride – I hit the 40 LB mark since starting out in September of 2011.  That is HUGE (pun intended).  Sometimes I think about it and kind of gasp in amazement – like – how could there have really been 40 more pounds of me?  Where was it?  It was suggested to me that I go back and look at some old pictures to answer that question.  This is a good idea, because sometimes I can’t see it!!!

At times I can’t believe it is true.  Partially, because it happened slowly, which I think is a good thing.  But, too, because I still look ‘fat’.  I know it’s a harsh term, but I’ve never minced words here, and am not about to start now.  It is how I feel…YES, my clothing size has shrunk (yay!), and in general I feel so much better.  One of the BEST things, which I hadn’t even thought about was, it is so much easier to cross my legs.  And, every now and then, when I get on a plane, I think that somehow I’m going to suddenly need the seatbelt extension again, which I haven’t used in a long time.  That was my first very big milestone.

What IS hard is, it seems I’m in a state of confusion trying to get used to this ‘new’ me.  Especially the new outside me with some of the same crappy inside thoughts.  Which brings me to commitments…

As some of you know, I signed up for a second round of Flourish which started in early January.  When I did it last fall, I was a damned good participant.  I would say I was a pretty obedient child in following all the rules.  This time – a stubborn teenager who says one thing and does another.

Almost as soon as I started telling people I’d lost 40 LBs, I started to have binges – eating until I felt a pain in my belly.  It sounds so cliché, but it is as though I don’t feel I deserve to reach this goal and celebrate it.  It’s the old shit bird hanging out on my shoulder telling me that this achievement must be some kind of mistake.  ‘You aren’t someone who sets and achieves goals!?  Don’t go getting all high and mighty because it may not last.’  That is one ugly, ugly voice.

Not only did I get binge-y last week, but I haven’t stuck very closely to the Flourish program at all this time.  It’s like my teenager is thinking, ‘Yeah, I’ve done that already, I know how to work THAT system.  I don’t have to follow the rules.  I can tell someone I’ll do something, but I don’t really HAVE to.’  UGH – this rebellion is no fun, and in some ways, it feels like it is outside of myself and I have no control over it, which, we both know isn’t true.  But, that is how it feels.

I think part of it is getting used to this updated version of myself.  Lots of it is good, but there are things that are starting to sag the more I lose the weight.  AND, clearly the internal struggles don’t magically disappear with the pounds.

Before (and, who am I kidding, very much during) my weight loss, I would wish I could lose weight without changing ANYTHING I was doing.  Ahhh…where is my genie!?  Now, it seems I’m feeling the same way emotionally.  My therapist mentioned I might have to work on some positive thinking exercises, which I don’t want to do.  What a surprise?  But, it may be the only way to achieve the ugly-emotions-and-self-talk-‘weight-loss’ I’d like to see (and feel) happen.  It’s all a process, isn’t it?  I SO don’t like being uncomfortable, physically or emotionally.  But, we don’t always get our wishes.  And, deep down, I know it all serves as a learning opportunity.

I guess while I’m shrinking my outsides, I need to also work on growing my insides…