Archive | June, 2015

Is Confession Truly Good for the Soul?

1 Jun

It has been a very long time since I have shared a posting on this blog of mine.  Back in the fall of 2011 when I started it, I thought it would be the perfect bit of accountability I needed as I whittled my way down the scale. And, it helped with that a great deal.

But the other way in which it helped was with the shame and confession of being an addict – a compulsive eater. As much as it was difficult to air that dirty laundry, it also seemed to take the sting out of the embarrassment. Exposing the evil and terrified vampire of my shame to the sunlight.

In the last few years, I have lost 40 pounds and gained back nearly 30. Talk about humiliating…

Life has been pretty crappy lately.

Oh, no – not the Zumba-dance-hang-out-with-my-girlfriends-fun-vacation-with-my-husband-totally-lovable-new-dog-mom-is feeling-so-much-better-than-last-year life. I mean the life I hide from the rest of the world – my inner life. The one that plays out inside my head day-after-day-after-day-after-hour-after-hour.

The one where I tell myself I’m not good enough for most things or people in my life. The one with the non-stop K-FCKD radio station blaring from every speaker with Rush Limbaugh constantly yelling, “you screw-up, you aren’t worthy.” The one asking you how on earth you lucked out with such a wonderful spouse and amazing friends in your life when you can’t imagine the good they see in you. The one where you DON’T smile and make jokes, but instead, wear the heavy failure sign around your neck.

There have been a couple of late night Facebook message confessions to one or two friends. But, besides that, it’s my own dirty secret. And, it is relentless.

I have tried weakly, to get ‘back on track’ to a healthier way of being so I can feel good about myself again. I’ve been trying to think of what the right and perfect formula was that led me to be inspired to lose those 40 pounds. And, the one thing that I am always reminded of is this blog – my confessional.

It’s is so very painful to put these words out there, because there will always be people who just don’t get it. People who wonder why I might choose to share something so deeply personal. Or simply, people in my life in front of whom I don’t want to appear weak and damaged. The ones it will be hard to look in the eye once they see this weird, insecure side of me.

Then I remind myself, that I have personally spoken with those I know, care for and respect who also have inner lives of their own. They may be hearing different stories than I…but, it’s still a common fate. It is that shared sense of struggle that somehow gives me courage.

And, selfishly more than courage, it is the comfort I feel knowing I’m not alone.

So, here I go, once more emotionally exposed to the world, naked as the day I was born – trying to solve this seemingly simple mystery that is the basic care (and feeding) and loving of myself. I will tell you, it has me stymied. And, I’m already feeling like a failure before I leave the starting gate. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or the next tomorrow or the one after that. That not knowing, scares the shit out of me. But, I’m putting myself out there and starting afresh right this moment.

Here’s to embracing the sunlight…