What-the-friggin’ f*ck is up?

5 Nov

Wouldn’t you think that by the beginning of week 7 of this Flourish program, my cooking/prepping, recording of my food, exercise, etc. would be running like clockwork?  I would, and I’m PISSED at myself that those old circling shark feelings are starting to resurface.  I swear, I’m actually hearing the doom music from ‘Jaws.’

For example – ‘oh, I’m too tired to log my daily food into loseit.com.  It’s a pain in the neck.  I don’t want to have to do this anymore.  I’m tired of so many vegetables…I can’t wait to have some couscous, or feta or whatever.’

It’s like my inner-Kiki really thought this would be over in 8 weeks, and things could be ‘easy’ once again.  The definition of these key words is interesting – why, dear, are you referring to the kind of ‘easy’ that means eating what you want, feeling like crap and not liking yourself very much?  You mean, THAT easy?  No dear, this is a lifestyle change.

I’ve lost a goodly amount of weight in these last 5-6 weeks, too.  I’m happy about that.  And yet – and yet?  I feel as though I might be turning onto ‘Now-it’s-time-to-sabotage-your- efforts’ Drive.  Why?  Because things are going well for a change?  And that’s not the map I am used to following.  I worry I truly feel I don’t deserve it.  I want to embrace this change, not just fake it until I make it.  (Of course, if I DO fake it for a bit, I may get back on ‘Embracing’ Lane.)

These feelings remind me of a shitty old boyfriend of mine, about whom, at the time I was crazy… hmmmm.  We’d be hanging out having a groovy time, and suddenly, he was uncomfortable with the LACK of drama, and would create some by picking a fight.  He just couldn’t handle a smooth boat ride.   It was very annoying.

It feels scary and crappy to think I could revert to my old way of thinking and being. And yet (again) I want a little less self-responsibility. Which isn’t how life works.

I think it’s a dangerous thing to say (or even THINK), ‘I can’t imagine EVER going back to my old ways.’  Sometimes, I think it’s actually the first step on the path TO the old ways.  It’s arrogant, naïve and, well, it serves no purpose.  I think that perhaps it’s better to be vigilant and realize that sometimes a guy with a trench coat lined with Lay’s products may be just around the next corner waiting to throw you off your game.  That way you can all boy scout about it and be prepared!

I don’t know that I actively thought ‘oh, I’d NEVER go back to eating junk’.   It’s more that I just hadn’t thought about it at all.  I didn’t prepare for the Cloudy with a Chance of Cheetos day.  I just thought, ‘Hey, I’ve got this.’  And, you know what?  I don’t ‘got it’.  Not at all.

There are going to still be stupid-head, sucky hard days when I think it may be time to throw in the towel.  But, I can’t.  I have to remember what it felt like before I started Flourish.  As much as I HATE the idea of quoting Dr. Phil, his “how’s that working for you so far?” is a really good question.

As Julie pointed out this morning, it’s one decision at a time.  And, I need to decide what I want to decide on next. (Gee, maybe the very next decision is the way to go. = ] ) I think perhaps it is to stick to my eating program tonight when I‘m with all my fab gals at girl’s night.

I want it to be easy.  Maybe I can just decide that it already is?

2 Responses to “What-the-friggin’ f*ck is up?”

  1. sunnydaydude November 5, 2013 at 1:39 am #

    M y dear sister, how many thoughts and feelings bombard you every day! Why do you pay attention to them and allow them to rule you? When you have a feeling it will go away and be replaced by another if you wait long enough.Because a feeling comes up doesn’t mean you have to give it power! You can simply observe these thoughts and feelings as if they were happening to somebody else, and detach from them. Don’t give them any power. observe them and detach! These feelings will come up if you feel unworthy to accept a more positive outlook! Why? Your self worth has nothing to do with what you don’t do or do do. it sounds hoakie, but it is true it comes from within unless you allow, these negative messages and feelings to rule you. Get off the revolving door of now I’m good and now I’m bad! It is all illusion unless you give it power by paying attention to it.

  2. Selena November 11, 2013 at 5:44 am #

    Kendall, I love your voice. The reality of success is this: we are often not OKAY with getting what we want. You spoke that perfectly here. Our mind has this way of wanting to go back to those old methods – the ones that included cheetos and pringles, and all the other food-crutches we used to smother the feelings…because it kept you feeling safe. The key is convincing your mind that 1. Those methods don’t serve you any longer and 2. you ARE OKAY to have the thing(s) you desire.

    Have you written out an avatar for yourself? I visual of the moment you know that you have “made it?” If you email me, I’ll send you a worksheet on it. This can help us re-train the mind to say YES to the NEW way by using all your senses. My email is selena@iamflourish.com

    One decision at a time 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: